|
Memories and Moments
Archive for 200609 ( return to current blog )
Tuesday September 5, 2006
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 2
DING, DONG, DING, DONG! Art, Keeper of the Bell, put all the strength in his little back to sounding the alarm. “Gnimocni! Gnimocni!,” screeched the lookout, Observiant, “Gnimocni! Gnimocni!”
Little Sockpuppeople ran frantically for shelter from the huge object hurtling in out of the sky. Art continued to ring his bell, bravely facing what was coming, and kept muttering, “So them told I; so them told I!” A loud whooshing sound was now overwhelming the sound of the bell, the Sockpuppeople were silent in fear as they waited.
Then from the very center of the village circle, a wicked witch shook her broom at the house and yelled, “I’ll sweep out the bats in your belfryeeeeeeeee...” Her defiant words were cut off as the house plopped down right on her as she stood there in the village circle, leaving nothing but her muddy army boots sticking out from under the front door.
Silence.
Art had finally stopped ringing the bell and just stared at the stirred but not shaken farm house. From behind him the outback hat of the mayor poked out of the courthouse door, followed quickly by his face, complete with his shaggy beard and piercing eyes.
“?ferk the What,” he asked Art.
“.dunno I”, was the mumbled answer.
Suddenly the door to the house opened and Nahomi exited with TaTa clutched so tightly in her arms that his eyes rolled in his head and saliva dripped all over her hands. She tripped delicately over the body of the witch and said, “Oooooo, TaTa, we’re not in Candida anymore!”
TaTa agreed, “arggggrug” as more saliva dripped unceremoniously.
Art and the Mayor bravely approached Nahomi while she just stared at the incongruous couple they made. “Where am I?” she asked, “and who are you?”
Art and the Mayor looked at each other, completely befuddled. Though Nahomi spoke the same language as the wicked witch had, they weren’t familiar with her Candida syntax. They mumbled to each other that they were positive that if they couldn’t understand HER, she sure wouldn’t understand THEM. The Mayor listened some more to Art, then nodded his head and took a black tape recorder out of his pocket. He walked over to the job johnny that was sitting at the end of the court house while the restrooms were being remodeled, and holding it between his pinkies, he sloshed it around in the bowl.
Coming back he gave a big, wolfish smile to Nahomi and said, “There, that fixes it! Now, little girl, you will be able to understand our reverse talk and we will be able to answer your forward speech! What was your question?"
“I said, 'Where am I and who are you?'”
“Ahhhh, I see, you are lost! You have found your way to the Land of Mensa. I am Mayor Backward of Mensa and this is Art, the Keeper of the Bell. Oh yes, and over there, keeping a watchful eye on every move you make, is Observiant.”
“OH MY GURU!” Nahomi exclaimed. “My house killed somebody! Who was it?”
“Be careful!” Observiant barked. “My $49.95 attorney says that anything you say can and may be used against you!”
“Do not be frightened, child,” soothed the Mayor. “You could not help it, and you have done a great service for Art, the Keeper of the Bell. That is a wicked witch that would sneak in with the late hours of night and ring the bell. It alarmed every Sockpupperson in Mensa because they thought we were being attacked from outer space!”
“Yeah,” grumbled Art, “and we never were. Until today when I did ring the bell. We were attacked by YOU!”
“Oh, I’m not from outer space!” exclaimed Nahomi. “I’m Nahomi, from Candida, and this is my Rapid dog, TaTa! We‘d never attack anyone, it was the storm and an accident and, and……well we just DIDN’T!”
“Ha! That’s what you say,” sneered Observiant. “I’ll have to see about that story!”
Out of the corner of her eye, Nahomi began seeing little soft faces, with big grins and roundy round eyes popping out of the bushes and from behind trees where the citizens of Mensa had taken shelter. Her head almost went all the way around on her neck as she tried to keep each person in her vision.
“Come out, come out, little Sockpuppeople,” Mayor Backward cooed, “Don’t be shy! This is Nahomi and TaTa and Candida is the name of the place that they came from.”
“Yes, and see, she has killed the wicked bell ringing witch!” added Art. She is worthy to be one of the citizens of Mensa. Welcome her, Sockpuppeople!”
“We’ll see about that,” groused Observiant.
“Grrrrrrr,” growled TaTa.
“Well, I can only stay a little while” said Nahomi, “then I’ll have to be going. I am going on a quest to find out all the secrets in the UNIVERSE! Can you help me?”
“Well,” Mayor Backward began, “there is....."
“EEEEEhehehehehheeeeee, Misery, Misery! Death to Nahomi!” Swirling down out of the sky on her broom, black cloak flying in the breeze and a tall peaked hat pulled down over her brow, another witch hovered over Nahomi. “You killed my SISTER, and you will pay, you and that miserable doggie of yours, you’ll pay, you’ll pay!” and she flew off, screeching into the sky.
“Wwwho was that?” breathed Nahomi.
“Oh, my, that was the wicked witch, Genie of No Return. You killed her sister Melodia, who wore the army boots, just like their mother! Are you SURE you want to go on this quest for secrets?”
“Oh, yes! I do! I do!” begged Nahomi. It is my duty to find all hidden secrets for everyone back on the Net Farm...Aunty Kadie, Uncle Hashish, even Moanen, Pissen, and Groanen. I will search and search until there are no secrets. Mankind needs me to do this. But, can’t anyone help me?”
“Well,” said Mayor Backward, “there’s...."
Again he was cut short in mid sentence. This time a shining golden ball came floating over the courthouse and rolled gently to a stop in front of Nahomi.
“Oooooooo”, breathed all the Sockpuppeople, “Great Theosafits!”
“Great what?” asked Nahomi.
“Theosafits,” answered the shining woman who stepped out of the golden ball. I come to help all those who seek after truth, which is the biggest secret of all. You DO wish to find truth, do you not?”
“Yeah, yeah, that’s it...truth,” agreed Nahomi. “That’s what I’m looking for”.
“Well then all you need to do is wear those magical muddy army boots, to keep you safe from the power of the wicked witch, Genie, listen to the wise Mayor Backward, and follow the directions of the Sockpuppeople. That will lead you to the Mighty Wizard of OOze who will tell you all the secrets you ever wanted to hear, and you shall find them to be TRUTH.”
With a wave of her wand, Theosafits transferred the magical muddy army boots from Melodia to Nahomi, then waved a fond goodbye once again to the Sockpuppeople of Mensa and lifted off in her shining golden ball. “I shall return,” they heard as she drifted away, “I shall return.”
(To Be Continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:48 AM - | |
|
|
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 3
Theosofits' golden ball was no sooner beyond the courthouse roof, when the Sockpuppeople started stirring & mumbling among themselves, as they moved in closer to Nahomi. Mayor Backward hurried over to her, rubbing his hands together and smiling his friendly, wolfish grin.
"Well, little girl, it looks like we better get you ready for your quest! If Theosafits gave you the magical muddy army boots, you just may be able to succeed in finding all the secrets in the Universe. At least you will succeed in finding the Wizard of OOzE! We will do everything we can to prepare you for your journey!"
"I can help you," offered Art the Bell Ringer. "Please take this large can of my personal brand of snake oil with which I keep my bell from rusting. It is also good for cannon balls, lightening rods, and pirate pistols. All the Sockpuppeople keep a supply on hand for emergencies. This special oil is made only from the biggest rattle snakes in all of Mensa and the surrounding territories. I use nothing but the rattles, thereby abiding by the MSPCS rules. My usual charge is $29.95 a pint, but for this special event, and in thanks to all the aids you have given me by dropping your house on the witch, I am giving you a free trial pint to take with you on your quest. In case you run into anyone that seems to admire this super Bell Snake Oil, please tell them where you got it."
"Thank you, Mr. Art," said Nahomi as she stuck the pint in one of the many deep pockets of her voluminous gingham apron. "But, what is MSPCS?"
"Mensa Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Snakes, of course!" Art replied witheringly. "We are a subsidiary of NASA, the National Association of Snake Affiliates. Our mission is to protect snakes of all kinds wherever they may be found, although we are really protective of snakes that can be found in grass."
"Ohhhh, I see," answered Nahomi. "I think...."
Now Observiant stepped forward, holding a spy glass out to Nahomi. "Here," he mumbled, kicking his toe in the dirt at her feet. "I think you might need this more on your quest then I do here, looking for objects from out of space. If you find truth, please come and tell it to me, K?" Observiant's face was beet red as he shied away from looking at Nahomi. "I sure could use some of that there truth."
"Well, I won't be coming back here," answered Nahomi. "Not ever again. But, when I find the truth, I'll send you back a letter and your spy glass. Thanks for sharing!"
"Awwww, never you mind," Observiant mumbled. "Keep it. It's the least I can do for someone who might be sending me the truth." Now he gave Nahomi just a quick look and a little crooked smile.
"I'll do my best on the quest," Nahomi smiled back. "It's my duty."
"It's time to be moving along now," Mayor Backward said to Nahomi. "The Sockpuppeople will take you out back where the Muddy Boot Road to OOzE begins and the road from OOzE ends, so you can always find your way back. All you have to do is follow the Muddy Boot Road...and"
"But, I'm never coming back!" cried Nahomi. "Never, EVER! As soon as I find out all the secrets and truth & that stuff, I'm going straight home to Aunty Kadie & Uncle Hashish and all the other Net farm folks!"
"Arrrrgh," the Mayor choked. "Why do I keep getting interrupted when I am giving out wisdom?!"
"Sorry, Sir," Nahomi squeaked in her best widdle goil voice.
"Harrumph! Well that's OK, this last time," Mayor Backward ventured. "Since you are leaving and never coming back & all, you know." He pulled out a red checked bandana from his pocket and blew his nose noisily. "Gonna miss you, gal, but it is best you go now. Remember, follow the Muddy Boot Road."
The Sockpuppeople clustered around Nahomi, herding her out back. She held TaTa in her arms so that he would not get lost among all the little softheaded creatures with their big painted grins and roundy round eyes.
"Follow the Muddy Boot Road", they whispered as the party moved out back. "Follow the Muddy Boot Road." Soon they came to a road that Nahomi could see twisting and turning off into the horizon. The road was a brilliant brick red; real brick...not that imitation stuff they used in Candida, she noticed. Right down the middle, stretching beyond her sight over the next hill, there was a trail of muddy boot marks.
"Hmmmm," said the ever-quick Nahomi, "this must be why it's called the Muddy Boot Road!"
Now she could hear the whispers of Sockpuppeople all around her, constantly urging, "Follow the Muddy Boot Road! Follow the Muddy Boot Road!"
"Well, TaTa, I guess this is it," quavered Nahomi. "We're starting our quest to find all the secrets in the Universe. How powerful and enlightening is that?!"
"Ruff!" replied TaTa.
Nahomi put one tentative magical muddy army boot on the Muddy Boot Road, then another, smiled at all the Sockpuppeople urging her on her quest and waved at all the citizens of Mensa. Of course, this caused TaTa to drop out of her arms, but he was going to have to walk anyway. She just couldn't carry him for the rest of his life, she knew; especially when she had this Quest Duty thing to accomplish!
Striding off apace, Nahomi skipped and danced excitedly, singing:
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go,
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE!!"
"Yip, yip, yip!!"
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:37 AM - | |
|
|
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 4
"....The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
"Yip, Yip, Yip...."
Nahomi sang merrily as she danced (unhampered by the ugly magical muddy army boots she wore), and whirled gaily along the Muddy Boot Road. TaTa kept yapping and trying to jump back up into her arms, lazy Rapid doggie that he was. He soon grew so excited with all the merriment that he ran straight between Nahomi's legs. "OOPH!"
Nahomi fell right on her skinny butt, there in the middle of Muddy Boot Road. TaTa backed away from her and mewled like a kitten. "What did you do, you bad doggie? Where are you TaTa?" A dazed Nahomi had no idea that TaTa was hiding in the voluminous folds of her gingham apron.
"Come on, you scaredy doggie. You know mommy wuvs her widdle guy!"
TaTa nuzzled his nose against Nahomi's aching backside, and she let out a loud, "Ouch! So there you are!"
As Nahomi reached to pick up the Rapid dog, she noticed that the day seemed cooler, and the sun was not so bright. "TaTa, do you see the big shadow that's over us?" Nahomi queried as she looked all around for the shadow caster. "I wonder where it's coming from? I hope it's not another secret we have to discover!"
"Moooanph"
"Did you hear that, TaTa?"
"Grrrrr!"
"Moooanph! Moooanph!"
"There it is again! It's coming from over there!"
Once more Nahomi proved her amazing mental acuity. "TaTa...the sun is over there <-- and we are over here; so the shadow caster must be over there <-- where the moan is coming from, also. Let's go take a look off the road over there!"<--
TaTa put his tail between his legs and backed off just beyond Nahomi's reach. "Urrru, UrrrrU"
"Oh, alright, you scaredy dog, I'll go look myself!" And she did.
Nahomi walked the length of the shadow as it fell across the road and off the edge, looking down at her feet to make sure she followed the line of the shadow. It was a sight to behold when she walked right into the shadow caster, hard enough to make a !boink! issue from its body. Startled, she looked up and saw a rusty, jagged tin armor encasing a man with a gag stuck in his mouth. All the joints of the armor were rusted solid and the man could not move even a pinky. On top of his head sat a moldy old baseball cap and his eyes fluttered and rolled like a person in dire need of a Heimlich hug.
"Moooanph!" she heard once again.
"OH MY GURU! You poor thing, you! What happened?!!!!" Nahomi exclaimed.
The shadow caster rolled his eyes, his face grew red and out came "Moooanph, Moooanph! Moooanph!!!"
Naomi quickly saw the problem and stepping up on a rock nearby, she pulled and tugged, pulled and tugged, until she had the gag off his mouth and had drawn a foot or so of rags that had been stuffed into that wide orifice.
"Ooooooh, that feels good! Thanks, little girlie."
"You're (not your) very welcome, Mister. Bye now, I have to get on with my quest."
"WAAAAIT a damn minute, girlie! You can't leave me like this, all stiff and rusty and dried up in a can. Who do you think I am, Prince Albert?"
"But, sir, I don't know what I can do for you, and I have to go find the Wizard of OOzE to learn all the secrets of the Universe!"
"I'll give you secrets! What's the matter with you? Don't you see I need help here? I don't have the heart to tell you this, kid, but there's more to life than secrets."
"There IS?!" Nahomi gasped. "Like what?"
"Well, there's me for instance. It's all about ME, you know. Here I am, locked up in this rusty tin can, I haven't got a heart, I haven't got a dime, and I can't sweet talk even ONE person to slip me some oil and give me a couch to lie down my weary bones. They're all too crafty and on to my game."
"Why can't you sweet talk anyone, Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Are you something stoooopid or what?! I just told you, dummy! I haven't got a heart!"
"I don't have any hearts in my big voluminous gingham apron pockets, sir, so I can't help you. Maybe the Wizard of OOzE can give you the secret to that."
"Yeah, well I was on my way to see the Wizard, when that Queen JoJo who stuck me in this can and Sir Rocky caught me on the Muddy Boot Road and sprayed me with Instant Rusty. They didn't feelini pity for me. Was that a nice thing to do, I ask you? Just because I tried to be chief tyrant over at that castle on the cliff back a ways, they had to go and gag me so I couldn't do my radio show, stuffed me in this tin suit and banished me! THEN when I try to get close to the Wizard of OOzE to get some help, they sprayed me with Instant Rusty and didn't even leave me any oil!"
"Oh, OIL! I've got some oil--real good snake oil. Mr. Art, the Bell Ringer at Mensa gave it to me for emergencies. Would this be an emergency, Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Hell yes! Slip it to me kid. Make sure you get all the joints and wrinkles. Hurry, Hurry!"
"K, sir. I'm in a hurry, too. I have to get to the Wizard of OOzE so I can go home to Aunty Kadie & Uncle Hashish and enlighten all the folks on the Net farm with the secrets I find!"
"Again with the damn secrets! Start squirting, kid!"
Nahomi took out the can and started lubricating the Shadow Caster. She smiled to herself as she heard his loud OOOOs and AAAAAHs. She knew her experience on the Net farm made her specially good at lubricating.
"I was thinking, Mr. Shadow Caster...."
"Yeah, kid, I'll bet you were!"
Nahomi gave him a sweet little smile and squirted a bit of oil in his right eye. "Hey! Don't DO that!"
"I SAID, I was thinking that maybe you could go with me and my little Rapid dog, TaTa, on our quest to see the Wizard. Maybe the Wizard could tell you what happened to your heart...I mean why you don't have one. Geeee, the Wizard might even be able to GIVE you one!"
"Naaaah, it's just as easy for me to rest on those laurels over there, and let YOU make the quest. You can tell me the secret of my heart on your way back."
"Ohhhh, no! I'm not EVER coming back. Never, ever, ever. As soon as I finish my quest and have alllll the secrets, I'm going home to Aunty Kadie and Uncle Hashish Net and Moanen, Pissen and Groanen and all the other folks on the Net Farm....you know, you look a little bit like Cliff Moanen, Mr. Shadow Caster. You have any brothers?"
"I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me, kid. Don't you get it yet? I ain't got money, I ain't got family, I ain't got friends and I ain't got a heart. It don't get worse than that! So, I guess I'll have to join you and your silly ass dog."
Shadow Caster flexed a leg, then an arm, which made a loud creak. Nahomi squirted one last jolt into his elbow and put the can back into her voluminous gingham apron pocket.
"Why do you wear that dumb apron, kid? It looks like hell on you!"
"Because I like to say voluminous gingham apron pocket, sir."
"Yeah, so I noticed."
"We better hurry. I can hear TaTa yowling back there on the road. He's such a scaredy dog! Besides, you just seem to be getting mean, meaner and meanest. We got to find the Wizard of OOzE and get you a heart real fast, or even I won't give you a squirt of oil when you need it!"
Nahomi skipped back out to the road to the joyful leaps and tail chasings of TaTa, while Shadow Caster stumbled stiffly behind her. Soon, though, he limbered up and the three of them tripped lightly down the Muddy Boot Road....
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
Clank, clank, clank....
"Yip, Yip, Yip...."
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:20 AM - | |
|
|
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER FIVE
"....The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
Clank, clank, clank....
"Yip, yip, yip...."
Nahomi in her magical muddy army boots and the clanky, clunky, Shadow Caster in his tin suit, continued on down the Muddy Boot Road, just singing their hearts out...well, at least Nahomi had a heart to sing out, Shadow Caster just sort of rumbled sound around in his empty chest. TaTa was yipping up ahead, when suddenly he turned and trotted off the side of the road.
"Toooot Toooot! Stop that you dumb dog...get away from there! Toooot! Tooot! Tooot!"
Nahomi and Shadow Caster stopped their merriment and looked wonderingly down the road. All they could see was a tiny bit of TaTa's behind as he delicately lifted his rear leg. They couldn't imagine who was making all the noise. They knew that Rapid doggies don't do Toot, at least not that anyone can understand!
"!$%$%#!!! I said GIT....Toot! Toot!"
Now that was just too much! Nahomi and Shadow Caster were burning with curiosity, and yet were a bit timid. "What do you think, Mr. Shadow Caster, should we ease on down?"
"Sure, little girl! I’ll protect you, let's ease on down the road!" And they did.
"Toooot, Toooot, Toooot, !#$$#$%," the toots were louder, and Nahomi covered her ears from the bad words. At least she thought they were bad words. She'd heard Cliff Moanen, Billy Pissen & Rick Groanen talk like that a lot on the Net farm, especially Billy Pissen, and Aunty Kadie told her to never ever use those words. That it was a 'sickness' that Pissen couldn't help.
Soon they had moved on down the Muddy Boot Road to across from where TaTa stood in the middle of a beautifully tended field with bright green plants growing, row on row. You could see the little pile of Rapid Doggie doo-doo where he had just relieved himself, right next to one of the rich green plants. He stood with his stubby legs splayed, zealously guarding his deposit and barking at a figure hanging by the back of its shirt from a tall pole.
"Rufff! Rufffff! Ruffff!Ruffff!"
"I'll give you RUFFF," the figure responded. "I'll make it so rough on you, if I ever get down from here, that you'll never take a crap again on somebody's property without remembering me! TOOT! TOOT!"
"OH MY GURU!" exclaimed Nahomi. "Just LOOK at him!" He's all GREEN! Even the smoke coming out of his pipe is GREEN! What color of green do you think that is, Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Yeah, I see him, Kid. I think I know him, too! His name is Poopeyer. I'd venture that's a shade of N. Vineous green."
"I dunno, Mr. Shadow Caster. Let me figure this out." Nahomi whipped out her pencil and notepad from the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and started writing. "Now, this is a big field full of green plants...what kinda plants are these Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Those are spinach plants, Girlie. They are full of irony."
"Ah Huh! The field is full of spinach green plants," she wrote. "The man is all green, the same color as the spinach green plants. THEREFORE, he is full of irony! He is SPINACH GREEN!" came her careful deduction.
Now from the pole came another, "TOOT!" and a holler, "Well if it ain't my old buddy! Howsabout getting me down from this petard, ole buddy, ole buddy? What are friends for, anyway? While you're (not your) at it, give that filthy mutt a kick the heck out of my spinach field. !#$$#$ crapping all over people's private property!"
"Sir!" piped up Nahomi. "Don't you mock my TaTa. He can't help what he does, that's just how Rapid Doggies are! I'll take care of it."
From a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron, Nahomi pulled out a plastic bag with dried clumps in it, undid the twist tie and using a rock as a scoop she scraped TaTa's doo-doo into her plastic bag.
"There," she said. "I always clean up TaTa's doggie doo-doo. It's my duty!" Closing the twist tie, she shoved the bag back into her voluminous gingham apron pocket.
"Eeeewwwwww!" gagged Shadow Caster and Poopeyer, together and in harmony.
"How can you carry around all that doo-doo with you all the time?" asked Shadow Caster, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
"I have to, until the Wizard of OOzE tells me where to dump it," she answered. "It's my duty! You get used to it after awhile."
"Uhhhh, people, will you idiots stop blathering and get me down from my petard here? We can talk about that crap later!" Poopeyer glared!
"Toot sweet, Buddy; toot sweet!" was Shadow Caster's sarcastic reply. He clunked over to the petard that held Poopeyer swinging in the breeze and called Nahomi over after him.
"Come on, Kid". I'll give you a boost and you reach up there and lift Poopeyer's shirt off the hook before his collar strangles him."
"But is it safe to free him?" asked Nahomi. "After all, he mocked my TaTa and said all those bad words, at least I 'think' they were bad words. Maybe he has Instant Rusty in his pocket, or maybe he likes to have little girls for dinner and feeds them spinach until they turn green, or maybe...."
"Oh, shut up, Idiot, and get me DOWN," screeched Poopeyer. "I'm going into meltdown in all this heat!"
"Don’t worry, kid...I can handle him," assured Shadow Caster. "He’ll do whatever I tell him to do, honest. Believe me. It's the truth!"
"Humph," said Nahomi, "Only the Wizard of OOzE knows the truth. Theosofits told me that, and she's a Good Witch with golden balls and everything! But, if you think it's safe, OK, I'll help him, this one time." And she did.
"Whew," breathed Poopeyer. "Toot Toot! I thought I was done for until I saw my old buddy here. Howzit going, ole buddy, ole buddy?"
"Well, not so good, Poopeyer. Right after you failed to come back to the Castle with fresh spinach for Maw, the Soup Chef, to make Queen JoJo's favorite cream of spinach soup, all hell broke loose. The Queen and Sir Rocky wanted to get together a posse to come looking for you. They were afraid you were in some kind of trouble or hurt. I knew, though, that you was just taking a break from eyeing all the fields for crap, and would be back as quick as they could say Toot! Toot! I cast a shadow on those plans, telling them we could have potato soup a couple of days, cream of potato soup, even. That Maw is a wiz with potatoes and onions and cream, oh MY!
“After a couple of days, though, I started wondering about you. Meantime, Queen JoJo and Sir Rocky had a talk with Chancealottery Mick and they decided that I was pulling some funny business. Imagine that? ME, the cleanest guy on the cliff! Pretty soon the whole consigliorium was called together. Ya shudda seen it! Sir HH, Scribe Feelany, and all the other Ilk....they even called in the Court Shrink, Dr. Pintado, for an opinion. The place was full, everyone accusing me at once! There wasn't nothin’ I could say to make me look good. They thought I knew where you was and what you was doin' all the time! Like we was planning to do away with all the spinach in the kingdom, or something like that!
“Finally, they decided I was guilty as sin, and the Queen ordered me to be banished. Sir Rocky comes up with this idea that I should be locked up in a tin suit, so that I’d always feel the heat and everyone would hear me coming a block away and be warned to stay away. Really! Stay away from ME! It hurts just to talk about it. Anyways, they gets this guy from the Phantom works to rig up the tin suit. I thought he made it too tight, just for spite, but the Queen wasn't havin' none of that. So they squeezed me in, put a baseball cap with a big T (for traitor) on my head and steered me on down the Muddy Boot Road.
"Now, I goes on down the road, telling everyone I can see how misunderstood and abused I’d been, and wouldn't you know? Word gets back to the castle on the cliff that I’m mouthing off again. Me! Wasn't a blink of an eye when Queen JoJo & Sir Rocky pulls up in the Royce, hop out and Rocky sprays me with that Instant Rusty invention of his. That guy is sure smart, I guess, because he shoots just one line of that I.R. and I freeze tighter than a bee's butt in January. Then Queen JoJo gets the idea of gagging me to shut me up for good. After ragging my mouth full, the two of ‘em dragged me to the side of the road and rested me up against a laurel tree where I stood until this lil gal here found me.
"And now we found you. So, what YOU been up to 'buddy'?" Shadow Caster finished menacingly.
"Ahem, arrg, ahemmm," Poopeyer cleared his throat nervously. "Well, it's this way. I came out here to the field to get Maw's fresh spinach. When I got here, I saw this guy with his horse parked outside the field, herding a couple rams into the field to have some of the spinach! I told him, 'You can’t DO that! Get the rams outta there! That's the Queen's spinach!’
“Well, he turns around and snarls, ‘Oh Yeah?!! I don't see any Royal Seals anywhere, do you? Are YOU gonna stop me?’ That really pis.. errrr P.O.'d me...."
"Thank you, Poopeyer," Nahomi inserted softly.
"'s OK," continued Poopeyer, "so I grabbed the petard that I carry for protection and assault upon windmills on my field trips and went for him!"
"And??" prompted S.C.
"Well, he...he..."
"He.. he....WHAT?"
"He tripped me up, picked up my petard, stuck it in the ground and hung me from it," Poopeyer rattled off as quick as he could.
"Hee hee heeeee, indeed!" chortled Shadow Caster. "You let a sheep herder do that to you?"
"Well, he was lots bigger, and faster and stronger, and maybe a bit smarter....ok, a LOT smarter!"
"And did this bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, sheep herder have a name?"
"I asked him, I asked him!"
"So?"
"He said, 'Just call me MISTER Rams'! I don't think that's his real name, though. If I ever find him, I'm gonna...."
Nahomi cut Poopeyer short, "Poopeyer, we are on our way to find the Great Wizard of OOzE, to learn all the secrets of the Universe. Maybe you should come with us and ask who MR. RAMS really is, and if you will ever be able to do what you think you are going to do when you find him!"
"And just who do you think YOU are, that you can find the Great Wizard of OOzE?" Poopeyer ridiculed.
"Why, I'm Nahomi from Candida and this is my Rapid Dog, TaTa. The Good Witch Theosofits gave me these magical muddy army boots and everything! We will find the Wizard, we WILL! So come on, we've GOT to go!"
"I don't think so, Nahomi. Sounds like a pretty flaky idea to me. Only an Idiot would go along with that one!"
"I BEG you pardon?!" Shadow Caster intervened.
"Well, I'll catch you two on your (not you're) way back. I'll be the last man standing out here in this field, waiting for MISTER Rams to show up again, to rip off my spinach."
"Not ME!" answered Nahomi. "You'll never see ME again. I'm never ever, ever coming back. As soon as I have all the secrets in the Universe, I'm taking them right back to the Net farm and empower Aunty Kadie, Uncle Hashish and even Moanen, Pissen and Groanen. Heyyyy, Poopeyer, do you know Billy Pissen? He was always kinda green around the gills, just like you, and he did like spinach and....nooo, I guess not. Candida is too far away. So, are you coming?"
"Yeah, Poopeyer, join us. What good's a friend if you don't do what I tell you to do?" added Shadow Caster. "Don’t be such a looooser ninny!"
"Big choice, there, S.C. I can be a looooser ninny by myself, or an Idiot with you two. Hmmmm, let me think."
Nahomi whipped out her notebook and pencil from the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron (the one that didn’t have the doo-doo pack) and started her calculations.
"If Poopeyer comes with us, he will consider himself an Idiot, but have company. If Poopeyer doesn't come with us, Mr. Shadow Caster will call him a looooser ninny and he'll be all alone. THEREFORE, Poopeyer must come with us!" she triumphantly concluded.
"Well fry me for an Idiot, then, I'm coming!" Poopeyer exclaimed. And he did!
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go...
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clank, clank, clank....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:11 AM - | |
|
|
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 6
"The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
"Toot, toot, toot!...."
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip....
The lively parade of mismatched characters eased on down the Muddy Boot Road. TaTa, Rapid dog that he was, waddled ahead as fast as he could go on his stubby puppy legs, his fat belly dragging along the road distendedly. Because Shadow Caster was getting hotter in his too-tight tin suit as the afternoon sun bore down mercilessly, he was now clunking along, rather than clanking. You could hear a slight slosh as his sweat filled in the few areas that Phantom works had not designed for the tight squeeze that surrounded his butt and groin area.
"I just gotta rest!" S.C. moaned. "This heat is killing me, and I gotta itch where I can't scratch!"
"Poor dear," Nahomi commiserated. "Look, just up ahead there....see where TaTa is lifting his leg against the gates? There's a whole lot of shady trees, and I'll bet we can even find a stream or something for some water for you....."
"WATER?!!!! Are you completely NUTS? Water is just as bad for me as Instant Rusty--it's just not as fast. What I need is alcohol!"
"Quit your moaning, S.C. The rest of us can use some rest and something to drink also. So, instead of standing here, griping while we behold an area to give it a rest just ahead, why don't we ease on down? Is that too hard for you Idiots to understand, or what?" Poopeyer shook his head with disgust and puffed great streams of green smoke into the air.
Shadow Caster just glared at Poopeyer and began clunking on down the Muddy Boot Road. "Yeah, well, just so you know who's in control here, that's all I have to say, for now!"
In just a toot and a clunk they were standing in front of the huge gates, reading a sign that said, Shady Pines Retreat...come on in and give it a rest! Tied up to the fence was a pinto pony, looking tired and sad.
"Ooooo," said Nahomi, "look at all the pretty colors on that horsey! I wonder who he belongs to."
"Yeah," agreed Poopeyer, "he's a horse of different colors, alright!"
Meanwhile, S.C. was trying to push open the gates because he had seen a building inside on the grounds with a marquee that read "Bar None". Just the place he wanted to be! However, no matter how hard he pushed, the gates wouldn't open.
"Hey! What you doing out there!" came a gruff voice. "Leave those gates alone!"
At the sound of the commanding voice, Shadow Caster took his tinny hands off the gates and put them behind him. "I didn't do nuttin," he attempted.
"I saw you pushing, I saw you, don't lie to ME!", the man approaching the gates roared in an even gruffer voice. "What do you want here, anyway?"
Nahomi quickly moved over between Shadow Caster and the man at the gate. "Oh, Sir, I am Nahomi from Candida, and this is my Rapid doggie, TaTa. Let me introduce my companions, Shadow Caster and Poopeyer. We are on a quest to find the Wizard of OOzE and we need to give it a rest, just like the sign on the gates says!"
"Well, you just can't push on in here, you know. You have to go through ME; do you know who I am?"
"Wait, just a minute, let me figure this," and Nahomi whipped out her notepad and pencil from a pocket in her voluminous gingham apron. "Let me see now....here are a pair of huge, iron gates...You are standing behind the gates, keeping us out until you let us in. Hmmmm....gates, a keeper--I know! I know! You are Gateskeeper!"
"Pretty clever, for a Candidan," mumbled Gateskeeper. "Just for that, I'm going to open these gates and let you all in to give it a rest and get something to drink."
Poopeyer just rolled his eyes and whispered to S.C., "What an IDIOT!"
"What did you say?" Gateskeeper paused with the key halfway turned in the lock of the gate, and looked menacingly at Poopeyer.
"Errrr, I said, 'Can't wait to walk in it!'"
"Uh huh. Just you be careful, little green man. You don't fool Gateskeeper with your silly green smoke screen pipe!"
"He didn't mean anything, Sir!" Nahomi said protectively. "He can't help how he talks, it's a sickness." She shoved her pencil and pad back into the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and fluttered her eyelashes at Gateskeeper.
"OK, if you say so, Nahomi." Gateskeeper finished turning the lock and the gates opened with a very loud screeeeee!
"Oh, my...your (not you're) gates are getting rusty. Guess you don't open them much anymore, huh?" asked Nahomi.
"Nope, not much nowdays. Most everyone who should be here is already here, and those that could leave already left, so we're quite a community to behold. Very closed and isolated."
"Well, there's something oddobout that, if you ask me!" piped up Poopeyer.
"So, who's asking you?" menaced Gateskeeper again.
"Poopeyer, shut UP! I'm dying here!" Shadow Caster pleaded.
"Well, Gateskeeper," Nahomi again inserted herself between her companions and Gateskeeper, "I can help you with the squeaky gates!"
Nahomi dug deeply into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and pulled out an oil can. "I have this super snake oil that Mr. Art, the Bell Ringer from Mensa gave me. It worked dandy for Shadow Caster's rusty tin suit, and I'll bet it works for the gates, too!"
With that Nahomi squirted a few drops into all the hinges and then swung the gates back and forth. They didn't make a sound.
Gateskeeper was all smiles. "Come on in, folks! Now that the gates are well oiled, you'll be needing some refreshment yourselves! It's on the house!"
"Now that's what I like to hear!" expounded Shadow Caster. "Something for nothing!"
Clunk! Poopeyer kicked S.C. in his tin leg. "Idiot! You have to tell everyone you haven't got a dime?"
Nahomi just smiled brightly at Gateskeeper and skipped through the open gates. "Thank you, Sir!"
They all hurried over to the Bar None and pushed through the swinging doors. TaTa ran under the doors, his Rapid dog tail wagging excitedly and his tongue drooling as he eagerly sniffed the odors from the puddles of dried liquor here and there on the floor. After all, Rapids ARE a breed of Scosh Terror, you know.
"Hey, that dog can’t come in here! There's a health law!"
"Oh, but Gateskeeper, sir. He's not just a 'dog'-- he's my TaTa! He goes everywhere I go. And besides, he's really very healthy. I get him his shots and he's been wormed and he even has that brand new flea collar and everything. He has to be within the law. He's MY Ta Ta!"
"Well, you pick him up and hold him. Don't let him run around loose in here, and I'll make an exception. Especially since he's had his shots."
"And now, can I have mine?" Shadow Caster asked disgruntedly. "TequillllA! TequillllA!"
"I'll have a spinach margarita," Popeye told Gateskeeper.
"I'll have some nice cold chocolate milk, shaken--not stirred, please" added Nahomi.
"RRRRRRufff!" drooled TaTa.
Soon they were all happily drinking away, and Nahomi took her shaken not stirred glass of chocolate milk, with TaTa clutched under one arm, to a table to give her feet in the magical muddy army boots a rest.
As she neared the dimmer recesses of the Bar None table area, she saw a man sitting in the corner with a long line of shot glasses before him. He was dressed in dark blue knee shorts, long blue knee socks and a light blue shirt. A big leather bag sat on the chair next to him. He was thoroughly tousling his weird hair cut, running his fingers through his hair while he blubbered softly to himself. Every once in a while he picked up a bicycle bell that sat in front of him and a muted 'brinnnng, brinnnng', floated across the room.
Nahomi slipped into the unoccupied chair at his table and patted his hand as it tore through his hair. "There, there," she said, eyeing the shot glasses lined up on the table, "what's the matter, fellow?"
"Ohhhhhhh, BOO-HOO-HOO!" came from the man all in a rush. "My life is shot to hell!"
"Well, I wouldn't wonder!" exclaimed Nahomi. "How many of those have you HAD?!"
"Wha? Wha? Ohhhh, you mean the shooters? Not enough, little girl. Not enough by half!"
"Well, then what are you so sad about?"
"I'm lost, I tell you, lost! I'm so lost that I can't find where to deliver this mail, and my pony Clyde, out front there, forgot where to ride, too!"
"Ohhhh, let me see if I can get this right," Nahomi queried as she set TaTa down on the big leather bag and whipped out her notebook and pencil from her voluminous gingham apron pocket, "you deliver mail....you are dressed all in blue....you have a pony to carry you on your duty--I know! I know! You're (not your) a Postal Express Man! I should have known right away, cause the Postal Express Man ALWAYS rings twice!"
"Yeah, missy, you GOT it. I'm called Postal Man by my associates down at the office. Something to do with my temper, so they say. I don't have a temper, darn it! I think it's just a big conspiracy to take my pony away from me and make me walk a city route."
"Ohhh, that's too bad. It's not any fun to be lost AND have conspiracies against you!"
"You betcha! And then they always mock me when Clyde and I get lost once in a while. I hate that!"
"Me, too, Postal Man! People mock my Rapid doggie TaTa. They mock me for my voluminous gingham apron, (with this she stuck her pad & pencil back into a pocket), they even mock me for my magical muddy army boots!"
"I was gonna ask you about those, ....what's your name anyway?"
"I am Nahomi from Candida, and this is my Rapid doggie, TaTa. Over there are my traveling companions, Shadow Caster and Poopeyer. We're in here giving it a rest from our quest to find the Wizard of OOzE."
"Heyyyy! That's where I was supposed to deliver this mail when I got lost! Why are you folks looking for the Wizard?"
"I need to have the Wizard tell me all the secrets of the Universe. Shadow Caster hopes to find out what happened to his heart--he doesn't have one, you see. Poopeyer, well he's looking for MISTER Rams and if the Wizard tells him where to find him, Poopeyer needs to know how to keep RAMS out of Queen JoJo's spinach plot."
"Wow! That's a tall order. Can the Wizard handle all of that you think?"
"Oh, yes! The good witch Theosafits gave me these magical muddy army boots and promised that the Wizard would help me find truth. I bet I'll find out all about the mockers and everything!"
"Well, Nahomi, since you folks are going anyway, maybe you could take this mail and give it to the Wizard, get a receipt and drop it off to me on your way back. I'll just sit here and shoot a few more and figure out how to get even with all the people back at the Postal Office."
"Not ME!" answered Nahomi. "You'll never see ME again. I'm never ever, ever coming back. As soon as I have all the secrets in the Universe, I'm taking them right back to the Net farm and empower Aunty Kadie, Uncle Hashish and even Moanen, Pissen and Groanen. Say! Postal Man, you've got a haircut just like Rick Groanen back in....nahhh, forget I said anything." (This is getting curiouser & curiouser}, thought Nahomi.
"Arrrgh, I really hate to leave this nice cool room, and my butt hurts from riding Clyde's bony back all morning, and I...........
"Oh stop your groaning and grow UP!" snapped Nahomi. "This has been a long day already and I've got to be going. You can't take the dumb horse, anyway. He makes TaTa nervous. Gee, you'd think there'd be something you want to ask the Wizard!"
"Well, yes--there's this woman I used to love. One day she took a knife and...."
"Save it for the Wizard, please! We've got to be moving! Are you coming or aren't you? Hey! Shadow Caster, Poopeyer, this is the last call I'm making for whoever is coming on the quest; gotta go NOW!"
Shadow Caster and Poopeyer headed for the door. Postal Man watched as Nahomi hitched TaTa up under her arm to carry him outside & through the gates. She was almost out the door when she heard him call, "Wait Up! Wait Up! I'll help you find the Wizard and ask about the mockers! I'm coming, I'm coming!" And he did. Nahomi gave a snide little smile to herself. She knew he would.
The four of them walked over to the fence where Gateskeeper was dabbing at his eyes as they filed through the gate he held open. "Wish I could go, too," he whispered. "It gets lonely here. Not everybody likes the Bar None, so they stay pretty close to their cottages in the Shady Pines. I'll take care of the pony until someone picks him up. Good luck, now."
Nahomi dropped TaTa back to the ground and he took off all a-waddle down the Muddy Boot Road. Then Nahomi, Shadow Caster, Poopeyer and Postal Man linked arms and followed him to find the Wizard of OozE....
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....”
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:01 AM - | |
|
|
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
| |
2781 Visitors
|
