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Memories and Moments
Tuesday September 5, 2006
Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER FIVE
"....The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
Clank, clank, clank....
"Yip, yip, yip...."
Nahomi in her magical muddy army boots and the clanky, clunky, Shadow Caster in his tin suit, continued on down the Muddy Boot Road, just singing their hearts out...well, at least Nahomi had a heart to sing out, Shadow Caster just sort of rumbled sound around in his empty chest. TaTa was yipping up ahead, when suddenly he turned and trotted off the side of the road.
"Toooot Toooot! Stop that you dumb dog...get away from there! Toooot! Tooot! Tooot!"
Nahomi and Shadow Caster stopped their merriment and looked wonderingly down the road. All they could see was a tiny bit of TaTa's behind as he delicately lifted his rear leg. They couldn't imagine who was making all the noise. They knew that Rapid doggies don't do Toot, at least not that anyone can understand!
"!$%$%#!!! I said GIT....Toot! Toot!"
Now that was just too much! Nahomi and Shadow Caster were burning with curiosity, and yet were a bit timid. "What do you think, Mr. Shadow Caster, should we ease on down?"
"Sure, little girl! I’ll protect you, let's ease on down the road!" And they did.
"Toooot, Toooot, Toooot, !#$$#$%," the toots were louder, and Nahomi covered her ears from the bad words. At least she thought they were bad words. She'd heard Cliff Moanen, Billy Pissen & Rick Groanen talk like that a lot on the Net farm, especially Billy Pissen, and Aunty Kadie told her to never ever use those words. That it was a 'sickness' that Pissen couldn't help.
Soon they had moved on down the Muddy Boot Road to across from where TaTa stood in the middle of a beautifully tended field with bright green plants growing, row on row. You could see the little pile of Rapid Doggie doo-doo where he had just relieved himself, right next to one of the rich green plants. He stood with his stubby legs splayed, zealously guarding his deposit and barking at a figure hanging by the back of its shirt from a tall pole.
"Rufff! Rufffff! Ruffff!Ruffff!"
"I'll give you RUFFF," the figure responded. "I'll make it so rough on you, if I ever get down from here, that you'll never take a crap again on somebody's property without remembering me! TOOT! TOOT!"
"OH MY GURU!" exclaimed Nahomi. "Just LOOK at him!" He's all GREEN! Even the smoke coming out of his pipe is GREEN! What color of green do you think that is, Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Yeah, I see him, Kid. I think I know him, too! His name is Poopeyer. I'd venture that's a shade of N. Vineous green."
"I dunno, Mr. Shadow Caster. Let me figure this out." Nahomi whipped out her pencil and notepad from the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and started writing. "Now, this is a big field full of green plants...what kinda plants are these Mr. Shadow Caster?"
"Those are spinach plants, Girlie. They are full of irony."
"Ah Huh! The field is full of spinach green plants," she wrote. "The man is all green, the same color as the spinach green plants. THEREFORE, he is full of irony! He is SPINACH GREEN!" came her careful deduction.
Now from the pole came another, "TOOT!" and a holler, "Well if it ain't my old buddy! Howsabout getting me down from this petard, ole buddy, ole buddy? What are friends for, anyway? While you're (not your) at it, give that filthy mutt a kick the heck out of my spinach field. !#$$#$ crapping all over people's private property!"
"Sir!" piped up Nahomi. "Don't you mock my TaTa. He can't help what he does, that's just how Rapid Doggies are! I'll take care of it."
From a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron, Nahomi pulled out a plastic bag with dried clumps in it, undid the twist tie and using a rock as a scoop she scraped TaTa's doo-doo into her plastic bag.
"There," she said. "I always clean up TaTa's doggie doo-doo. It's my duty!" Closing the twist tie, she shoved the bag back into her voluminous gingham apron pocket.
"Eeeewwwwww!" gagged Shadow Caster and Poopeyer, together and in harmony.
"How can you carry around all that doo-doo with you all the time?" asked Shadow Caster, wrinkling his nose in disgust.
"I have to, until the Wizard of OOzE tells me where to dump it," she answered. "It's my duty! You get used to it after awhile."
"Uhhhh, people, will you idiots stop blathering and get me down from my petard here? We can talk about that crap later!" Poopeyer glared!
"Toot sweet, Buddy; toot sweet!" was Shadow Caster's sarcastic reply. He clunked over to the petard that held Poopeyer swinging in the breeze and called Nahomi over after him.
"Come on, Kid". I'll give you a boost and you reach up there and lift Poopeyer's shirt off the hook before his collar strangles him."
"But is it safe to free him?" asked Nahomi. "After all, he mocked my TaTa and said all those bad words, at least I 'think' they were bad words. Maybe he has Instant Rusty in his pocket, or maybe he likes to have little girls for dinner and feeds them spinach until they turn green, or maybe...."
"Oh, shut up, Idiot, and get me DOWN," screeched Poopeyer. "I'm going into meltdown in all this heat!"
"Don’t worry, kid...I can handle him," assured Shadow Caster. "He’ll do whatever I tell him to do, honest. Believe me. It's the truth!"
"Humph," said Nahomi, "Only the Wizard of OOzE knows the truth. Theosofits told me that, and she's a Good Witch with golden balls and everything! But, if you think it's safe, OK, I'll help him, this one time." And she did.
"Whew," breathed Poopeyer. "Toot Toot! I thought I was done for until I saw my old buddy here. Howzit going, ole buddy, ole buddy?"
"Well, not so good, Poopeyer. Right after you failed to come back to the Castle with fresh spinach for Maw, the Soup Chef, to make Queen JoJo's favorite cream of spinach soup, all hell broke loose. The Queen and Sir Rocky wanted to get together a posse to come looking for you. They were afraid you were in some kind of trouble or hurt. I knew, though, that you was just taking a break from eyeing all the fields for crap, and would be back as quick as they could say Toot! Toot! I cast a shadow on those plans, telling them we could have potato soup a couple of days, cream of potato soup, even. That Maw is a wiz with potatoes and onions and cream, oh MY!
“After a couple of days, though, I started wondering about you. Meantime, Queen JoJo and Sir Rocky had a talk with Chancealottery Mick and they decided that I was pulling some funny business. Imagine that? ME, the cleanest guy on the cliff! Pretty soon the whole consigliorium was called together. Ya shudda seen it! Sir HH, Scribe Feelany, and all the other Ilk....they even called in the Court Shrink, Dr. Pintado, for an opinion. The place was full, everyone accusing me at once! There wasn't nothin’ I could say to make me look good. They thought I knew where you was and what you was doin' all the time! Like we was planning to do away with all the spinach in the kingdom, or something like that!
“Finally, they decided I was guilty as sin, and the Queen ordered me to be banished. Sir Rocky comes up with this idea that I should be locked up in a tin suit, so that I’d always feel the heat and everyone would hear me coming a block away and be warned to stay away. Really! Stay away from ME! It hurts just to talk about it. Anyways, they gets this guy from the Phantom works to rig up the tin suit. I thought he made it too tight, just for spite, but the Queen wasn't havin' none of that. So they squeezed me in, put a baseball cap with a big T (for traitor) on my head and steered me on down the Muddy Boot Road.
"Now, I goes on down the road, telling everyone I can see how misunderstood and abused I’d been, and wouldn't you know? Word gets back to the castle on the cliff that I’m mouthing off again. Me! Wasn't a blink of an eye when Queen JoJo & Sir Rocky pulls up in the Royce, hop out and Rocky sprays me with that Instant Rusty invention of his. That guy is sure smart, I guess, because he shoots just one line of that I.R. and I freeze tighter than a bee's butt in January. Then Queen JoJo gets the idea of gagging me to shut me up for good. After ragging my mouth full, the two of ‘em dragged me to the side of the road and rested me up against a laurel tree where I stood until this lil gal here found me.
"And now we found you. So, what YOU been up to 'buddy'?" Shadow Caster finished menacingly.
"Ahem, arrg, ahemmm," Poopeyer cleared his throat nervously. "Well, it's this way. I came out here to the field to get Maw's fresh spinach. When I got here, I saw this guy with his horse parked outside the field, herding a couple rams into the field to have some of the spinach! I told him, 'You can’t DO that! Get the rams outta there! That's the Queen's spinach!’
“Well, he turns around and snarls, ‘Oh Yeah?!! I don't see any Royal Seals anywhere, do you? Are YOU gonna stop me?’ That really pis.. errrr P.O.'d me...."
"Thank you, Poopeyer," Nahomi inserted softly.
"'s OK," continued Poopeyer, "so I grabbed the petard that I carry for protection and assault upon windmills on my field trips and went for him!"
"And??" prompted S.C.
"Well, he...he..."
"He.. he....WHAT?"
"He tripped me up, picked up my petard, stuck it in the ground and hung me from it," Poopeyer rattled off as quick as he could.
"Hee hee heeeee, indeed!" chortled Shadow Caster. "You let a sheep herder do that to you?"
"Well, he was lots bigger, and faster and stronger, and maybe a bit smarter....ok, a LOT smarter!"
"And did this bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, sheep herder have a name?"
"I asked him, I asked him!"
"So?"
"He said, 'Just call me MISTER Rams'! I don't think that's his real name, though. If I ever find him, I'm gonna...."
Nahomi cut Poopeyer short, "Poopeyer, we are on our way to find the Great Wizard of OOzE, to learn all the secrets of the Universe. Maybe you should come with us and ask who MR. RAMS really is, and if you will ever be able to do what you think you are going to do when you find him!"
"And just who do you think YOU are, that you can find the Great Wizard of OOzE?" Poopeyer ridiculed.
"Why, I'm Nahomi from Candida and this is my Rapid Dog, TaTa. The Good Witch Theosofits gave me these magical muddy army boots and everything! We will find the Wizard, we WILL! So come on, we've GOT to go!"
"I don't think so, Nahomi. Sounds like a pretty flaky idea to me. Only an Idiot would go along with that one!"
"I BEG you pardon?!" Shadow Caster intervened.
"Well, I'll catch you two on your (not you're) way back. I'll be the last man standing out here in this field, waiting for MISTER Rams to show up again, to rip off my spinach."
"Not ME!" answered Nahomi. "You'll never see ME again. I'm never ever, ever coming back. As soon as I have all the secrets in the Universe, I'm taking them right back to the Net farm and empower Aunty Kadie, Uncle Hashish and even Moanen, Pissen and Groanen. Heyyyy, Poopeyer, do you know Billy Pissen? He was always kinda green around the gills, just like you, and he did like spinach and....nooo, I guess not. Candida is too far away. So, are you coming?"
"Yeah, Poopeyer, join us. What good's a friend if you don't do what I tell you to do?" added Shadow Caster. "Don’t be such a looooser ninny!"
"Big choice, there, S.C. I can be a looooser ninny by myself, or an Idiot with you two. Hmmmm, let me think."
Nahomi whipped out her notebook and pencil from the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron (the one that didn’t have the doo-doo pack) and started her calculations.
"If Poopeyer comes with us, he will consider himself an Idiot, but have company. If Poopeyer doesn't come with us, Mr. Shadow Caster will call him a looooser ninny and he'll be all alone. THEREFORE, Poopeyer must come with us!" she triumphantly concluded.
"Well fry me for an Idiot, then, I'm coming!" Poopeyer exclaimed. And he did!
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go...
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clank, clank, clank....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:11 AM - | |
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Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 6
"The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
"Toot, toot, toot!...."
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip....
The lively parade of mismatched characters eased on down the Muddy Boot Road. TaTa, Rapid dog that he was, waddled ahead as fast as he could go on his stubby puppy legs, his fat belly dragging along the road distendedly. Because Shadow Caster was getting hotter in his too-tight tin suit as the afternoon sun bore down mercilessly, he was now clunking along, rather than clanking. You could hear a slight slosh as his sweat filled in the few areas that Phantom works had not designed for the tight squeeze that surrounded his butt and groin area.
"I just gotta rest!" S.C. moaned. "This heat is killing me, and I gotta itch where I can't scratch!"
"Poor dear," Nahomi commiserated. "Look, just up ahead there....see where TaTa is lifting his leg against the gates? There's a whole lot of shady trees, and I'll bet we can even find a stream or something for some water for you....."
"WATER?!!!! Are you completely NUTS? Water is just as bad for me as Instant Rusty--it's just not as fast. What I need is alcohol!"
"Quit your moaning, S.C. The rest of us can use some rest and something to drink also. So, instead of standing here, griping while we behold an area to give it a rest just ahead, why don't we ease on down? Is that too hard for you Idiots to understand, or what?" Poopeyer shook his head with disgust and puffed great streams of green smoke into the air.
Shadow Caster just glared at Poopeyer and began clunking on down the Muddy Boot Road. "Yeah, well, just so you know who's in control here, that's all I have to say, for now!"
In just a toot and a clunk they were standing in front of the huge gates, reading a sign that said, Shady Pines Retreat...come on in and give it a rest! Tied up to the fence was a pinto pony, looking tired and sad.
"Ooooo," said Nahomi, "look at all the pretty colors on that horsey! I wonder who he belongs to."
"Yeah," agreed Poopeyer, "he's a horse of different colors, alright!"
Meanwhile, S.C. was trying to push open the gates because he had seen a building inside on the grounds with a marquee that read "Bar None". Just the place he wanted to be! However, no matter how hard he pushed, the gates wouldn't open.
"Hey! What you doing out there!" came a gruff voice. "Leave those gates alone!"
At the sound of the commanding voice, Shadow Caster took his tinny hands off the gates and put them behind him. "I didn't do nuttin," he attempted.
"I saw you pushing, I saw you, don't lie to ME!", the man approaching the gates roared in an even gruffer voice. "What do you want here, anyway?"
Nahomi quickly moved over between Shadow Caster and the man at the gate. "Oh, Sir, I am Nahomi from Candida, and this is my Rapid doggie, TaTa. Let me introduce my companions, Shadow Caster and Poopeyer. We are on a quest to find the Wizard of OOzE and we need to give it a rest, just like the sign on the gates says!"
"Well, you just can't push on in here, you know. You have to go through ME; do you know who I am?"
"Wait, just a minute, let me figure this," and Nahomi whipped out her notepad and pencil from a pocket in her voluminous gingham apron. "Let me see now....here are a pair of huge, iron gates...You are standing behind the gates, keeping us out until you let us in. Hmmmm....gates, a keeper--I know! I know! You are Gateskeeper!"
"Pretty clever, for a Candidan," mumbled Gateskeeper. "Just for that, I'm going to open these gates and let you all in to give it a rest and get something to drink."
Poopeyer just rolled his eyes and whispered to S.C., "What an IDIOT!"
"What did you say?" Gateskeeper paused with the key halfway turned in the lock of the gate, and looked menacingly at Poopeyer.
"Errrr, I said, 'Can't wait to walk in it!'"
"Uh huh. Just you be careful, little green man. You don't fool Gateskeeper with your silly green smoke screen pipe!"
"He didn't mean anything, Sir!" Nahomi said protectively. "He can't help how he talks, it's a sickness." She shoved her pencil and pad back into the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and fluttered her eyelashes at Gateskeeper.
"OK, if you say so, Nahomi." Gateskeeper finished turning the lock and the gates opened with a very loud screeeeee!
"Oh, my...your (not you're) gates are getting rusty. Guess you don't open them much anymore, huh?" asked Nahomi.
"Nope, not much nowdays. Most everyone who should be here is already here, and those that could leave already left, so we're quite a community to behold. Very closed and isolated."
"Well, there's something oddobout that, if you ask me!" piped up Poopeyer.
"So, who's asking you?" menaced Gateskeeper again.
"Poopeyer, shut UP! I'm dying here!" Shadow Caster pleaded.
"Well, Gateskeeper," Nahomi again inserted herself between her companions and Gateskeeper, "I can help you with the squeaky gates!"
Nahomi dug deeply into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and pulled out an oil can. "I have this super snake oil that Mr. Art, the Bell Ringer from Mensa gave me. It worked dandy for Shadow Caster's rusty tin suit, and I'll bet it works for the gates, too!"
With that Nahomi squirted a few drops into all the hinges and then swung the gates back and forth. They didn't make a sound.
Gateskeeper was all smiles. "Come on in, folks! Now that the gates are well oiled, you'll be needing some refreshment yourselves! It's on the house!"
"Now that's what I like to hear!" expounded Shadow Caster. "Something for nothing!"
Clunk! Poopeyer kicked S.C. in his tin leg. "Idiot! You have to tell everyone you haven't got a dime?"
Nahomi just smiled brightly at Gateskeeper and skipped through the open gates. "Thank you, Sir!"
They all hurried over to the Bar None and pushed through the swinging doors. TaTa ran under the doors, his Rapid dog tail wagging excitedly and his tongue drooling as he eagerly sniffed the odors from the puddles of dried liquor here and there on the floor. After all, Rapids ARE a breed of Scosh Terror, you know.
"Hey, that dog can’t come in here! There's a health law!"
"Oh, but Gateskeeper, sir. He's not just a 'dog'-- he's my TaTa! He goes everywhere I go. And besides, he's really very healthy. I get him his shots and he's been wormed and he even has that brand new flea collar and everything. He has to be within the law. He's MY Ta Ta!"
"Well, you pick him up and hold him. Don't let him run around loose in here, and I'll make an exception. Especially since he's had his shots."
"And now, can I have mine?" Shadow Caster asked disgruntedly. "TequillllA! TequillllA!"
"I'll have a spinach margarita," Popeye told Gateskeeper.
"I'll have some nice cold chocolate milk, shaken--not stirred, please" added Nahomi.
"RRRRRRufff!" drooled TaTa.
Soon they were all happily drinking away, and Nahomi took her shaken not stirred glass of chocolate milk, with TaTa clutched under one arm, to a table to give her feet in the magical muddy army boots a rest.
As she neared the dimmer recesses of the Bar None table area, she saw a man sitting in the corner with a long line of shot glasses before him. He was dressed in dark blue knee shorts, long blue knee socks and a light blue shirt. A big leather bag sat on the chair next to him. He was thoroughly tousling his weird hair cut, running his fingers through his hair while he blubbered softly to himself. Every once in a while he picked up a bicycle bell that sat in front of him and a muted 'brinnnng, brinnnng', floated across the room.
Nahomi slipped into the unoccupied chair at his table and patted his hand as it tore through his hair. "There, there," she said, eyeing the shot glasses lined up on the table, "what's the matter, fellow?"
"Ohhhhhhh, BOO-HOO-HOO!" came from the man all in a rush. "My life is shot to hell!"
"Well, I wouldn't wonder!" exclaimed Nahomi. "How many of those have you HAD?!"
"Wha? Wha? Ohhhh, you mean the shooters? Not enough, little girl. Not enough by half!"
"Well, then what are you so sad about?"
"I'm lost, I tell you, lost! I'm so lost that I can't find where to deliver this mail, and my pony Clyde, out front there, forgot where to ride, too!"
"Ohhhh, let me see if I can get this right," Nahomi queried as she set TaTa down on the big leather bag and whipped out her notebook and pencil from her voluminous gingham apron pocket, "you deliver mail....you are dressed all in blue....you have a pony to carry you on your duty--I know! I know! You're (not your) a Postal Express Man! I should have known right away, cause the Postal Express Man ALWAYS rings twice!"
"Yeah, missy, you GOT it. I'm called Postal Man by my associates down at the office. Something to do with my temper, so they say. I don't have a temper, darn it! I think it's just a big conspiracy to take my pony away from me and make me walk a city route."
"Ohhh, that's too bad. It's not any fun to be lost AND have conspiracies against you!"
"You betcha! And then they always mock me when Clyde and I get lost once in a while. I hate that!"
"Me, too, Postal Man! People mock my Rapid doggie TaTa. They mock me for my voluminous gingham apron, (with this she stuck her pad & pencil back into a pocket), they even mock me for my magical muddy army boots!"
"I was gonna ask you about those, ....what's your name anyway?"
"I am Nahomi from Candida, and this is my Rapid doggie, TaTa. Over there are my traveling companions, Shadow Caster and Poopeyer. We're in here giving it a rest from our quest to find the Wizard of OOzE."
"Heyyyy! That's where I was supposed to deliver this mail when I got lost! Why are you folks looking for the Wizard?"
"I need to have the Wizard tell me all the secrets of the Universe. Shadow Caster hopes to find out what happened to his heart--he doesn't have one, you see. Poopeyer, well he's looking for MISTER Rams and if the Wizard tells him where to find him, Poopeyer needs to know how to keep RAMS out of Queen JoJo's spinach plot."
"Wow! That's a tall order. Can the Wizard handle all of that you think?"
"Oh, yes! The good witch Theosafits gave me these magical muddy army boots and promised that the Wizard would help me find truth. I bet I'll find out all about the mockers and everything!"
"Well, Nahomi, since you folks are going anyway, maybe you could take this mail and give it to the Wizard, get a receipt and drop it off to me on your way back. I'll just sit here and shoot a few more and figure out how to get even with all the people back at the Postal Office."
"Not ME!" answered Nahomi. "You'll never see ME again. I'm never ever, ever coming back. As soon as I have all the secrets in the Universe, I'm taking them right back to the Net farm and empower Aunty Kadie, Uncle Hashish and even Moanen, Pissen and Groanen. Say! Postal Man, you've got a haircut just like Rick Groanen back in....nahhh, forget I said anything." (This is getting curiouser & curiouser}, thought Nahomi.
"Arrrgh, I really hate to leave this nice cool room, and my butt hurts from riding Clyde's bony back all morning, and I...........
"Oh stop your groaning and grow UP!" snapped Nahomi. "This has been a long day already and I've got to be going. You can't take the dumb horse, anyway. He makes TaTa nervous. Gee, you'd think there'd be something you want to ask the Wizard!"
"Well, yes--there's this woman I used to love. One day she took a knife and...."
"Save it for the Wizard, please! We've got to be moving! Are you coming or aren't you? Hey! Shadow Caster, Poopeyer, this is the last call I'm making for whoever is coming on the quest; gotta go NOW!"
Shadow Caster and Poopeyer headed for the door. Postal Man watched as Nahomi hitched TaTa up under her arm to carry him outside & through the gates. She was almost out the door when she heard him call, "Wait Up! Wait Up! I'll help you find the Wizard and ask about the mockers! I'm coming, I'm coming!" And he did. Nahomi gave a snide little smile to herself. She knew he would.
The four of them walked over to the fence where Gateskeeper was dabbing at his eyes as they filed through the gate he held open. "Wish I could go, too," he whispered. "It gets lonely here. Not everybody likes the Bar None, so they stay pretty close to their cottages in the Shady Pines. I'll take care of the pony until someone picks him up. Good luck, now."
Nahomi dropped TaTa back to the ground and he took off all a-waddle down the Muddy Boot Road. Then Nahomi, Shadow Caster, Poopeyer and Postal Man linked arms and followed him to find the Wizard of OozE....
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....”
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 5:01 AM - | |
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Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER SEVEN
....The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
....What a racket! The group sang, rang, tooted and clunked on down the Muddy Boot Road, with TaTa yipping at their heels. He did so want to be carried, but that wasn't really Nahomi's bag anymore. "Besides, he needs the exercise", she excused herself.
Poopeyer had his pipe stuffed full with spinach weed and was smoking a green streak, toot-tooting out of the other side of his mouth, with his head held back in glee, staring at the cloudless blue sky....when suddenly something darted across his vision. Bzzzzt...Buzzzz Buzzzzzz.... Bzzzzt!
"Look-a-thar!" he called. "Up in the sky! Can you see what that is? Is it a bird? Is it a plane?" Meanwhile long curls of white smoke were puffing out all over the blue sky, twisting and turning into shapes that could not quite be seen.
The group had frozen dead still now, listening to the Bzzzztz and Buzzzzez coming from above. Only TaTa continued to yip, until Postal Man gave him a boot in the butt.
"YIPE! YIPE!", TaTa whelped as he dove for safety between Nahomi's legs.
"How DARE you boot him!", she accused Postal Man.
"Awwww, I didn't hurt him none. His eternal yipping just drives me nuts!" Postal Man snarled.
"Well, calm down and let's see what's going on over our heads now!" Nahomi snapped back.
"Darned if I can see what's happenin'," came Shadow Caster's tinny voice. "It's way too far over MY head!"
"Me, too", added Poopeyer, "not that I give a toot anyway!"
"Well, I can't see it either," complained Nahomi, "And I WANT to see what's over my head. It's my duty!"
"Yip," went TaTa and covered his head with his paws as he scrunched down between Nahomi's protective legs.
"OHHH, wait a minute! I've got this spyglass that Observiant gave me before I left Mensa. He used it to look for space junk coming in from the sky, so that he could warn Mr. Art, the Bell Ringer, to start ringing his bell! I'll bet it will help me see what's over my head!" and Nahomi dug down deep into one of the pockets of her voluminous gingham apron.
"Gimme that!" ordered Shadow Caster.
"No, No, ME, I work for the government; 'I' should do the spying!" Postal Man waved his hands in the air and brinnnng, brinnnng, went his postal bell.
"You IDIOTS don't even know how to use a spy glass! What do you think I used, out there in the spinach field all day, slaving for Queen JoJo, keeping rams out of the plot? Give it HERE!" and Poopeyer made a swipe for the spy glass.
"Now wait a minute! Let's take turns. That's only fair!" exclaimed Nahomi.
Meanwhile there were more bzzzztz and buzzzzzez, and more smoky white curls were forming in the sky.
"Geeze ma-knees, I wonder what all that IS!" said Shadow Caster, stiffly craning his tin encased neck up at the sky.
"Well, here's what we'll do," said Nahomi, handing the spy glass over to Poopeyer and whipping out her note pad and pencil from her voluminous gingham apron pocket, "first Poopeyer will spy the sky and tell us what he sees. Next, Shadow Caster will take a turn. Then Postal will deliver the final view of what is going on up there, over our heads. I will write it down and connect the dots and then give the answer of what it is that is going on over our heads. 'K?"
"Okey dokey," the rest answered, rolling their eyes at each other. TaTa just went "mmmmbrr" and covered his eyes with a hairy paw.
"K then, Poopeyer, begin!"
Poopeyer stuck the spy glass up tight against his one good eye, and said, "It's all green!"
"And you call US idiots," harrumphed Postal Man. "Maybe if you took that spinach smoking device out of your mouth, you would be able to see!"
"Oops," said Poopeyer sheepishly, setting the pipe down on the ground. He looked up again and said, "Oh, I can see clearly now, the cloud has gone. I can see everything...."
"Cut that OUT!" roared Shadow Caster. "What's with the song fest? Tell us what you SEE!"
"Hee Hee," snickered Poopeyer. He did love to rile up Shadow Caster.
"Oh my! Oh my! Take this down Nahomi!"
Nahomi zipped up her pencil into ready writing position at Poopeyer's words. "READY!"
"I see objects buzzing and bzzzzzting around the sky. They are forming words."
'Objects buzzing...forming words...' notated Nahomi. "And....?"
"Here comes the first words."
---I...will...I...will...RAM...you...Poopeyer...BEWARE!---
"OMG, toot! toot! tooot! Oh me, oh my, it's a message from MISTER Rams! Where can I hide, where can I hide?"
"Got it," said Nahomi. "Pick up your pipe and smoke it a bit, Poopeyer. That should calm you down. Remember I have these magical muddy army boots given to me by the Good Witch Theosofits for protection!"
"Hah! YOUR protection. Theosofits never did nothing for ME. She forgets too easily how many bunches of spinach I leave as a token in front of her golden balls."
"We'll talk about it later, Poopeyer; now give the spyglass to Shadow Caster, while he can still bend his neck back far enough to try to see what's over his head," consoled Nahomi.
Shadow Caster took the proffered spyglass, bent back his tinny head and gripping the spyglass in his tinny hands he stuck it into his eye. "OUCH! Darn, Nahomi, that was the eye you squirted with snake oil. It still smarts!"
Nahomi readied her pencil, "Begin please, Shadow Caster."
"Still buzzin and bzzzztin up there. Lots of letters coming out now. Take this down...."
---We...will...we...will...OUT....you.... S.C.! ....You ...can...run ...you...can't...hide!---
"Oooo, oooo, ooooo, they're gonna Instant Rusty me again! I just know it! I can't take it any more, I can't go back. Let's run, run, run, away!" and Shadow Caster started clunking around in a mad circle, looking for somewhere to run and hide.
--....can't....hide!-- Nahomi finished up her notation and grabbed Shadow Caster by his tin arm. "Don't worry! I have lots of Mr. Art's snake oil left. I'll take care of you. Maybe I'll even lend you my magical muddy army boots so you can run faster", smiled Nahomi.
"Thanks, but if I talk nice to Theosafits, maybe she'll give me a pair of my own."
"Well, I'm sure she will be able to see that you need a pair," answered Nahomi; "so stay calm until we meet up with her. Now give the spyglass to Postal Man, please, so we can finish up here and get on down the road to find the Wizard of OOzE!"
"Here you go, Postal," S.C. handed the spyglass to Postal Man, who put his hands behind his back. "Here, take it!" Shadow Caster urged.
"I dunno, I don't think I wanna," hedged P.M.
"TAKE it, you Idiot, so we can figure the poop on this deal!" yelled Poopeyer.
"BBButtt, I ran into that Observiant a couple of times when I was on the Mensa rout...we errrr, we...don't get along. You see, we both liked the same sockpuppgirl and...."
"For Theosofits' sake! Do you think he booby trapped a dumb SPY GLASS?! Get on with it, get on with it, Toot! Toot! Toot!" Poopeyer was getting extremely agitated.
Postal Man took the spyglass and gulped, "Uhhh, you ready Nahomi?"
"I'm always ready," answered Nahomi, pencil poised.
"Rrrrufffff!" came from TaTa, keeping one eye on the Postal Man.
"Here come the bzzzztz and the buzzzzez around again; here come the words," P.M. quavered.
--We....will...we...will...SUE....you...for...stealing...the...girl...PM!--
"I knew it! I knew it! I never shudda looked. Now I'm jinxed. That $49.95 lawyer is going to clean out my pension fund; I knew it! Darn you, Nahomi! Now see the fix I'm in!"
"Like it's MY fault?" Nahomi huffed. "Did I tell you to go and steal someone's girl? Did I make you get lost and not finish your route? Did I twist your arm to come with us--well, maybe that last one, just a little bit. Don't go jumping me, now! No wonder your (not you're) nickname is Postal!"
"Blubber, blubber, blubber," was all that P.M. could get out.
"Hey, don't get too close to me, blubbering like that!" warned Shadow Caster. "I have enough problems of my own, sweating and going rusty and all, without you dripping around me!"
"Here, Postal Man", Nahomi reached into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and pulled out a big red checked handkerchief decorated with Queen Ann's Lace all around the edge, "take this hanky decorated by my cousin Panky, wipe your eyes and blow. If you get sued, we'll all chip in, but I bet the Wizard solves your problem."
"Hey! I ain't chipping in, I ain't got a dime!" argued Shadow Caster.
"That's OK, S.C., ole buddy!" enthused Poopeyer; "sometimes people throw chips to the poor over there in Vegan city. All we have to do later is go there and find where the chips lay, and we'll be able to get a veggie burger....well I'll have one. I know you like donuts, heheheheh," chortled Poopeyer.
"Yeah, just like you guys, spend the chips on yourselves. You never did like me much," groaned Postal Man, "and that's - not - Very - NICE!"
"Grrrrr", and TaTa was rewarded with another boot in the butt.
"You guys are just like a bunch of children, temper, temper, tantrum! What a sight to behold. You should be ashamed of yourselves!"
"I'm sorry, Nahomi", apologized Poopeyer.
"Sorry, S.C.", he apologized again.
"I apologize, Postal", he mumbled, scuffing his toe in the dirt. "I apologize to you, too, TaTa, for Postal kicking your butt all the time. Just because you're (not your) mean and smelly and lazy and noisy and crap on people's private property, it doesn't mean you should be kicked around. After all, you're (not your) just a dumb Rapid doggie. Even I can figure that out without a note pad and a pencil!"
Nahomi glared at Poopeyer and asked Postal Man for the spy glass. "I guess if I want to get this job of finding out what's over our heads done, I'll have to take a look myself!" And she flounced away from the others, in her flouncey voluminous gingham apron, just a bit down the road, put the glass to her eye and said, "I spy....Oh MY!"
TADUNT TADAAAA TADUNT!
Out of the sky came brooms and brooms with sitting witches, whirling and swirling as they screamed, TADUNT TADAAAA TADUNT!
"Heee heeee heeee heeee"
"There she is!"
"There's that Nahomi, she's guilty, guilty I tell you!"
"Look at how scarlet her face is!"
The witches raced up and down in the blue, and out of the backs of their brooms came puffs of words...KIM!, puffed one. LINDY!,another. BABS!, LULU!, MAW!, JEN!, came out of three, four, five and six...and all the while they taunted her with "Nahomi is guilty! Look what she did to our family! We shall see that she reaps what she sows! Get her, GET NAHOMI! And her stoooopid companions and that smelly dog, too!
"EEEEEEE!" Nahomi screamed, frantically stamping her magical muddy army boots on the ground as the six brooms with their ghastly witches plummeted down at her. "Help me, Help me, Theosofits, the boots don't work, the magic is gone!"
"Yah, help us, too!" yelled all the others. TaTa did a howling, "Uhrrru, Uhrrrrrruuuuu!" and they all kept running into each other as they tried to run away from the danger hanging over their heads.
POOF!
Just as the brooms seemed to be ready to sweep Nahomi and her gang up and whirl them away like the wind, they blinked out of sight, as did the objects bzzzting and buzzzing in the sky. The writings were wiped out and the only sound was the heavy breathing of the questers and the wheezing, final "Uhrrru?" of TaTa.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" breathed Nahomi as the golden ball carrying Theosofits appeared and hovered just over their heads. "Who-o-o was that?" quavered Nahomi.
"That was nobody," answered Theosafits.
"You didn't tell me she was stooopid," Poopeyer whispered behind his hand to Nahomi.
"That's because I am not," Theosafits smiled at Poopeyer. "I am Theosafits, and it was not 'who', it was 'what' that should have been the question."
"Oh, yeah, just what we need at a time like this--semantics!"
"Yeah", echoed Postal Man, "like we need semantics. (errrr, Poopeyer, what's semantics?)"
Theosofits gently chided Poopeyer, "You disappoint me, little green man," she said as she looked at him with sad eyes.
"Oh, gee, I hope not. I'm this great guy, you know, really I am...truly. Just ask me any time, I'll tell you, straight out! Anyways, I apologize."
"Phew," puffed Shadow Caster. "I thought you were going to get her mad and I'd never get a chance at a pair of magical muddy army boots!"
"Well, I am sorry, Shadow Caster. I still cannot give you a pair. They are only for those who have heart, and right now I can see you have no heart. You best get on to the Wizard to get some help."
Shadow Caster gave several clunking kicks at a stone in the road and clanked sulkily away.
"We'll get him there," spoke up Nahomi. "But, 'what' was that above our heads? They were so mean and they were gonna hurt us and they wrote mean things, and...."
"Easy, easy, now," calmed Theosafits. "That was..."
"Wait, let me write this down and maybe I can connect the dots and figure it out myself!" urged Nahomi.
"Alright," answered Theosafits. "I'll make sure to leave enough dots for you to connect. You see, those were not... real 'things'. They were holograms sent from...beyond your comprehension. Representations of things and people you once knew ....or you will know....if you all make it safely to the Wizard of OOzE, that is."
Nahomi wrote rapidly, "Not real, h-o-l-o....; how do you spell that, anyway?"
"H-o-l-o-g-r-a-m-s," parsed Theosafits.
"g-r-a-m-s", finished Nahomi. "What's a hologram?"
"Sort of like a ghost of a real thing..."
"I got it, I got it," Nahomi cheered, "and I only had to connect half the dots, too! They were Ghost Writers in the Sky! (I told you I'd figure it out,)" she told the others, her voice choking with pride.
"Yeah, yeah."
"Unnhuh"
"Who gives a toot?"
The others all sulked and skulked and stood around scratching their butts. TaTa released a soft little burst of fetid gas from out of his tubby rear orifice.
"Well, I never!" exclaimed Nahomi. "How jealous can you be?! Just because a girl is a bit more enlightened than you all, you have to go and mock her? What are you going to be like when I get all the secrets of the Universe from the Wizard of OOzE? I don't know if I want you along on my quest! I think that I will just leave and never ever come back. I'll just find the Wizard, get the secrets and hurry back to Candida to enlighten Auntie Kadie, Uncle Hashish and Moanen, Pissen and Groanen! You might look like my friends on the Net farm, but you sure aren't nice to me like they are! They handled me with kid gloves, no ifs, ands OR butts! They never would even think of mocking me!"
"Oh, don't do that, Nahomi! I apologize," pleaded Poopeyer. "Come on, you guys, apologize or she's going away and never coming back!"
"I doubt that!" grumbled Shadow Caster. "But, I apologize, Nahomi."
"Please don't leave me, Nahomi," groaned Postal Man. "I can't stand the thought of losing you forever! I apologize, for whatever it is you think I did."
"Well, it looks to me like there's an awful lot of apologizing and very little reforming going on here," Nahomi spoke stonily through stiff lips.
"Oh, but my child!" spoke up Theosafits. "Don't you know that true love means never having to say you are sorry? Forgive your friends and carry on your quest."
"Well, I guess I must love them a lot, then," mused Nahomi, "because I'm never, ever, ever going to apologize to them for my superior state of enlightenment. And I'm not lending them my magical muddy army boots, either!"
"That's a good girl," smiled Theosafits. "Don't forget to stamp the muddy army boots only if you truly need me." Theosafits' golden ball floated up slowly, "And now I must be off!"
"You bet she must be off," was Poopeyer's sarcastic comment (sotto voce') to Shadow Caster.
"I hearrrrrd that," Theosofits' voice rang musically through the air.
"Drats!"
"So, that's that!" Nahomi folded up her note pad and pushed it, along with the pencil into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron. She screwed down the spyglass and stuffed it into another pocket. "I guess I've done all the solving I need to do for a while now. I am going to start on down the Muddy Boot Road to go find the Wizard right now!" And she did.
"We're coming, we're coming, too!" yelled the others, making a mad scramble of brinnngs, toots and clunks to get to take one of her arms. "I thought they would," she smirked smugly, "and they did!"
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 4:54 AM - | |
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Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 8
....."The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
...."We must be getting pretty close to OOzE," remarked Shadow Caster, rubbing his tinny hand against his tinny groin in a vain attempt to ease the itch, as he eyed the stretch up ahead on the Muddy Boot Road.
"Yeah, ole buddy," agreed Poopeyer, "looks like we're coming into Billboard Row."
"What's a Billboard Row?" asked Nahomi. "We never had a place like that in Candida!"
"Billboards are like junk mail, only bigger & heavier," offered Postal Man. "Lucky that here in OOzE they keep them on the outskirts instead of all those advertisements popping up all over town."
"Well, slow down a bit," pleaded Nahomi as they neared the area littered with billboards on both sides of Muddy Boot Road; "I want to read these. Maybe I'll learn how to set up my own billboard bs. when I go back to Candida forever."
"Jeeeeze..." moaned Shadow Caster.
"More pissin' around! Who gives a toot anyway?" Poopeyer grumbled.
"Do we HAVE to?" groaned Postal.
TaTa gave a howl, "Uuruuuuhu!"
"What a crew you all are!" Nahomi exclaimed. "Everybody's ready to jump ship, just when things get interesting. You'd think I'd raised the Jolly Roger and forced you to walk the plank! You all know it's my Duty to be enlightened, so hush up while I take some notes." So saying, Nahomi pulled out her note pad and pencil from a pocket in her voluminous gingham apron and began to view the billboards.
Visit SCOTS WELLS
Hot mineral spas to soothe stiff necks
Nightly Entertainment in the
*****SPASCHTIC LOUNGE*****
Guaranteed laughs across the board
Starring********SCOTTO********
The last funny man left standing!
"We could use a few laughs," said Poopeyer.
"Heh. Heh. Heh." sneered Shadow Caster.
"Oh, you kid!" tooted Poopeyer, as he wandered to the next board.
Eat at POCKETS GALORE
If you're (not your) wrapped up in dough!
Culinary Wizardry by CALZONE
$$$$$$$$
"Gee! Do you think Calzone is really a wizard, too?" asked Postal Man.
"Well, I heard he's always cooking up sumpin'" snickered Poopeyer.
"I dunno," drooled Nahomi, "but if he's got mac & cheese craftily rolled up in a pocket, it will make him a wizard in my lying eyes!"
"See all those dollar signs?" scoffed Shadow Caster. "We can't afford his mac & cheese pocket because we haven't even got a dime in our pockets, and I don't think he'd be giving freebies."
TaTa stood in front of the next billboard, which featured a huge drippy pizza, yipping and scraping his rear paws back through the dust on the edge of the Muddy Boot Road. "Grrr, yip, yhowl, whine..."
"What the??" puzzled Postal Man, lifting his foot to give TaTa the boot again.
"Uh, Uh, Uh!" warned Nahomi. "Don't you DARE! He's just all excited by that billboard. He can't help it....he just loves pizza!"
They all looked hungrily at the billboard that had so excited TaTa:
BOOMERANG PIZZARIA
Home of the GAG-A-GOAT PIZZA
Everything in but the Anchovey Tin
"IT KEEPS COMING BACK AT YOU!"
(By the Piece or the whole Go-Around)
Shadow Caster took a deep, longing, breath- "Sure looks good to me, too!"
"Naaw--I only like the pickled spinach and strained tofu topping," differed Poopeyer.
"Oh!" Nahomi exclaimed. "We ought to go here for a group picture before I leave OOzE; for of course, I'm never, ever, coming back once I have the mockers and all the secrets of the Universe to take back to Aunty Kadie and Uncle Hashish Net and Moanen, Pissen, and Groanen on the Net Farm in Candida. I'd like something to help me remember the way we were here in OOzE," and she pointed at a billboard with a photo of a man with white, curley hair, standing on a corner behind a tree, with a big camera clutched behind his back. The board read:
THE HOUSE OF SCHMAUSER
People Snappers
"We get the picture behind every tree!"
(or an unreasonable facsimile)
"Not me!"
"Me either!"
"Unh Unh!"
Nahomi stared at Shadow Caster, Poopeyer and Postal Man. "Why NOT, for stoooopid's sake? I love to have my picture taken! Without photos, memories can be gone in a snatch!"
"No PICTURES!" the three chorused together.
Poopeyer tried to explain, "Nahomi you just don't get it. Steephie Schmauser is the only photographer around and he's a real snake. He sells copies of people's pics to all kinds of bad people. He even doctors them up to make you look like some kind of weirdo and worse. No one with any smarts gets anywhere near Schmauser and his cameras!"
"Hmmmm....well, looks like he doesn't watch his back, either!" Nahomi tittered. "Just look at him hiding that camera behind his back to surprise some victim for his snaps, and someone snapped him! Dummy probably didn't even know where that picture came from! You're (not your) right, though--guess I'll have to see you when you light the corners of my mind, back home in Candida."
"Yeah, guess so," answered Postal Man, heaving a sad sigh, as they moved on down to the next billboard.
M'LIEGE!
Suits fit for a King!
Royal Tailoring by TOMASINA,
Queen of the Tape
&
The TCW Staff
(if you need to ask the price, you can't afford us)
"Hmmm, Mr. Shadow Caster, maybe they can cut you out of that tin can and get you into something more respectable," mused Nahomi.
"Toot, Toot, Toot!" snickered Poopeyer. "Did you read the sign?" He won't have to ask the price,--he hasn't got a dime!"
"Thanks, ole buddy," Shadow Caster snarled sarcastically. "Maybe they'll accept Queen JoJo's spinach, ya think?"
"Hey, Nahomi, look at this one!" interposed Postal Man.
SCOSHE' GARDE'
All Purpose Major Stain Repellent
A product of TRO ENTERPRISES, FR.
Spray it Everywhere!
"Maybe you could spray some of that stuff on your dress and get rid of that ridiculous voluminous gingham apron you wear!" he continued.
"There you go, mocking me again," pouted Nahomi. "Better be careful or I'll put you on my mockers list!"
"Don't be silly, Nahomi," scoffed Shadow Caster. "You know we'll be getting the truth about mockers and all the secrets of the Universe, as soon as we find the Wizard. I'd cross my heart on that for you, if I had one!"
"I guess you're (not your) right; Theosafits did tell me I'd find TRUTH when I found the Wizard of OOzE. Maybe we should hurry on, after all."
"Look---we ought to check out this one, though, Nahomi," suggested Poopeyer.
McDonald's Lea
Every Night in Concert
HOAGY & THE DRAWERS
Low Down Guitars
*****PLUS*****
SIR ROCKY
conducting
THE QUEEN JOJO BRASS BAND
********Featuring********
KEMOSABE Drumming up a storm!
(free admission, you don't even need a dime)
********A REAL MEADOW LARK********
"Well, the price is right for me!" enthused Shadow Caster.
"That figures," mumbled Postal Man.
"Snicker", Poopeyer tooted wolverineishly.
"Let's not forget who's (not whose) in control among these boards, you two!" barked Shadow Caster.
"Yeah, well who's (not whose) the tin horn looking for a free Brass Band!" retorted Poopeyer.
"Come on, guys--remember you are 'buddies'. Is that how you treat all your friends?" Nahomi put the note pad and pencil back into the pocket of her voluminous gingham apron and quickly moved on down the Muddy Boot Road.
Poopeyer looked shamefacedly at Shadow Caster, and apologized. "I'm sorry, buddy. I know we are the only friends we've got since we got booted out of the Castle on the Cliff."
"Yeah, well try to be careful, at least until I getta heart, or you might find yourself standing all alone, just like I was left, resting up against the laurels after Sir Rocky sprayed me with Instant Rusty. And to think! NOW he's the leader of Queen JoJo's big brass band! I heard back there at Castle on the Cliff that it has 76 trombones --solid brass! Must be a lotta money in spinach."
"Yeah, it's a smokin' bidness, you bet!" agreed Poopeyer.
"I thought I was going to get some clout around that Castle, before they banished me after I couldn't foolany one with my 6 figure mathematics theory. I really wanted to be the leader with all that brass. So what happens? I end up in a too tight tin suit--what Sir Rocky called the TTTS sentence. So, you see? I got reason to be stiff necked about a whole lot of things."
"Sure you do, Buddy, sure you do," Poopeyer soothed.
"You guys coming?" Postal screamed from way on down the Muddy Boat Road.
"Yeah! We're coming!" Poopeyer and Shadow Caster called back, as they clasped hands and skipped on down the road.
"We're ready to continue on our quest," said Shadow Caster to Nahomi when they caught up with the others.
"I apologized and everything," added Poopeyer.
"That rings a bell," grinned Postal Man. Brrring! Brrring!
"I figured they would," smiled Nahomi knowingly. "And they did!"
She whipped out a shiny baton from a pocket in her voluminous gingham apron and twirled it vigorously as the foursome eased on down the Muddy Boot Road, TaTa chasing his tail around their feet, while from McDonald's Lea up ahead they heard Queen JoJo's Big Brass Band strike up the march.....
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE...."
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 4:47 AM - | |
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Copyright
June 23, 2002
CHAPTER 9
"The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, yip, yip"....
....The motley group marched smartly past McDonald's Lea, propelled by the blaring horns of Queen JoJo's Brass Band and the thrumming rat-a-tata of Kemosabie's drum artistry. When the music faded out behind them after a while, they slowed their pace.
Shadow Caster was clunking heavily again and they could hear the sweat sloshing where it had collected in his hollow tin legs. Poopeyer didn't seem to have a toot left in him and Postal Man, dragging his mail bag along behind him, hadn't rung his bell even once for quite a while.
Nahomi looked at her fellow questers, then at TaTa, who was giving little "oo-ooo" sounds as his tongue lolled around, then stopped abruptly--replacing her baton back into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron.
"Halt, 1,2,3!" she commanded tardily. The others, who had been following her closely in a line, piled into each other with a clunk, a brinnng, a yip and a toot! "Oh My Guru!" she complained, "Can't you dummies control yourselves for even one minute?"
"I'm always in control here," snapped Shadow Caster.
"Like fu..n you are!" roared Postal Man.
"Well," put in Poopeyer archly, extending his foot and prodding Shadow Caster's TTTS, "since I'm the last man standing here watching you two flat on your butts on the Muddy Boot Road, I must be in control!"
TaTa could only howl and try to lick his backside where it smarted from hitting the road.
Delving once more into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron, Nahomi withdrew the spy glass given to her by Observiant when she left Mensa, and waved it at the others. "Look", she cajoled, "I know we are all hungry and tired after reading all the ads on Billboard Row and marching to the tune of Queen JoJo's Big Brass Band, so let's not fight among ourselves. We're (not were) all we've (not weave) got, you know (not no)!"
"Right! Right!" the others chorused, but what are we gonna dooooo?"
Nahomi put the spy glass up to her eye and peered down the Muddy Boot Road. "Even though it's awful hazy up ahead to make any clear reports...I think I see something!" she exclaimed. "Down the road just a ways is a sign that says Zee Parlour EAT & REST, in blinking red and blue lights. Maybe we can get some food in exchange for washing dishes or something."
"You wash, I can only dry up," Shadow Caster intoned in his most logical manner.
"Maybe I'll trade some spinach smokes instead," ventured Poopeyer.
"And I could brinnng a tune or two," suggested Postal Man.
"Oh My GURU!" Nahomi huffed, "I never saw three people so afraid of getting their hands clean! Do what you want...I'm heading straight for Zee Parlour!" And she did.
Naturally, it wasn't two seconds before she heard the commotion they were making as they stumbled after her. And she smiled knowingly.
Ten minutes later, (though it seemed like years and years) they were crowding through the door of Zee Parlour, stopping short when they saw a tall man, all in blue with white gloves and a black cape that swirled out a red satin lining as he turned swiftly to greet them with a, "Gooot Even-ing. Velcomin to Zee Parlour. Vhat can I dooo fooor yooou?"
The group looked at each other, tongue tied by the sight before them. Finally, Nahomi stepped forward, "Hello, ummmm Sir. I'm Nahomi from Candida, and this is my Rapid Doggie, TaTa. Lurking behind my back there are Shadow Caster, Poopeyer and Postal Man, we are...."
"Vait a min-ute! Vait a min-ute! I deed not aazk whooo yooou vere, I aazked vhat I could dooo fooor yooou."
Poopeyer stuck his head out around Nahomi and said, "You can feed us, that's what you can do!"
Clunk! Shadow Caster kicked Poopeyer in the shin. "Looooser! You'll make him mad," he hissed.
"Well, he aaazked," Poopeyer hissed back.
"Please forgive my friends," Nahomi apologized. "We're all very hungry and tired and we haven't got a dime...."
"I zaaaid, I dooo nooot carrre whooo yooou aarrre, boot ooonly vhaaat I caaan dooo fooor yooou!"
"Vell...errrr...well, SIR," Nahomi's voice had an edge to it now (she was never long on patience), "can we exchange some work for a bit of macaroni and cheese and a place to rest comfortably for a while?"
"Work??" croaked Shadow Caster, "Did you say, WORK?!!"
"Shhh," warned Postal Man. "Even you can get used to w-o-r-k, if you are really hungry."
"NOT!" snickered Poopeyer.
"Vellll, I zeee yooou aarre alll verrrry ex-zauzted and obwiouzllly ztaaarwing, zo please ztepp intooo oourrr Parlour. I muzt inzizt, though, that the an-i-mal remain outzide. Ve villll zee heee izz taken carrre oooff."
"Grrrr," TaTa grumbled, shaking his head from side to side and moving closer to Nahomi.
"Oh, no, Sir! TaTa goes with me everywhere! He's housebroken and all--most of the time. It's just when he drinks too much that he messes up a bit. And he doesn't eat much--just a couple of hunks of Spam will do nicely."
"Mmmm, mmmmph!" doggie grinned TaTa, now shaking his head up and down.
"Eeef yooou zay zoo, Zzzpyzy izzz herrre to please," he acquiesced with a nod. "Come now, enterrr zee Parlour and take zome zeats. Nahomi, I zink yoou vill find ze red zatin tufvet near the cofve table werrrry comfortable. Zhaaadooow Caaazterrr, zo I knoow you vould luff a zeat on zee couch, zat iz impozzible. Yooou arrre much tooo ztiff to be accommodated. Prop yourzelve overrr zerrre against zee vireplaze. Zee ozers...pleeze to be zeeted on ze couch. Pleeze--no zmoking in zee Parlour. Zee veb decorazions arre werrry vlammable."
"I bet they burn easy, too," added Postal Man.
Poopeyer rolled his eyes. "Geeeze, you are sure something stoooped, Postal!"
"Quvite! Quvite!" agreed Zzzpyzy as he presented them with menus.
"But, we can't pay!" repeated Nahomi.
"Vee vill vork it outt---lay-ter. Zere are many vayz to pay off Zzzpyzy."
"Well, then--if that's the case--I'll have the Vly Zoup Vlorentine!" Poopeyer ordered, putting away his pipe.
"Loki's Zpezial sounds great for me!" came from Shadow Caster. "I love 'garbonzoz and red hot chiliez zauted' in cazter oil'...I think."
"I'll get whatever Nahomi has," Postal Man requested meekly.
Nahomi smiled politely and said, "Well then, we'll have the 'mocarooni and cheeze cazzarole in a wry bread bowl for two'. Extra cheeze, please."
"Eggz-alent choize! And for zee an-i-mal, ze 'Zzpam Roberto', yez?"
"Yip! Yip!"
"I villll beee right baack wiz your revrezments, and pleeze to revrain from touching zee web wallz at any time, for your (not you're) own zafety. They are werry delicate Ruzzian laze and eet eez bezt not to ztir or zhake zem."
"Huh?" said Poopeyer as soon as Zzzpyzy left the parlour. "Don't touch 'zee vallz'? What an idiot!"
"Maybe so, Poopeyer, but don't take any chances," warned Postal Man. "That Zzzpyzy freaks me out!"
"Yeah, if I wasn't so hungry, I'd clunk right on outta here," came from Shadow Caster.
"Fraidy cats", taunted Nahomi. "He's letting us eat free--practically." Then she set about carefully spreading her voluminous gingham apron over the red satin tuffet on which she sat.
"Just remember, nothing's free", Poopeyer intoned ominously.
"Yeah, Nahomi. You wouldn't even lend me your magical muddy army boots, let alone give them to me!"
"Well, I never did give nothing to a tin man."
"But, it's not like it's something I already have!" Shadow Caster complained.
Just then the talk was interrupted by the arrival of Zzzpyzy pushing a laden cart into the parlour. He quickly served Poopeyer his 'Vly Zoup Vlorentine', passed Shadow Caster the hot 'Loki Zpezial' with its side of tortillas, and then gave Nahomi and Postal man each a wry bread bowl of steaming 'mocarooni and cheeze'. "And zee 'Zzpam Roberto' for zee an-i-mal," he said serving TaTa with a flourish.
"I haf taken zee liberty to brinng 2 potz off tea. Tea vor two, 2 timez---vill zat be zatizvactory?"
"Ohhh, yummy! It all looks so good!" exclaimed Nahomi, "especially the mac and cheeze! It's almost....almost...."
"Sensuous", filled in Postal Man.
"Oh, I don't even know the meaning of that word", Nahomi flustered.
"Idiot!" tooted Poopeyer. "You know how innocent and naive she is!"
"And clean, she's clean, too," sobbed Postal Man. "Please forgive me, Nahomi. I apologize!"
Poopeyer snapped, "Hey! That's my gig---apologies."
"Sorry, Poopeyer."
"I told you--that's MY gig!"
"Shut up and eat, while it's still free", snarled Shadow Caster.
"I vill leaf you nooow. Enchoy your mealz aand remember...ztay avay from zee veb vallz," Zzzpyzy spoke softly, backing out of the Parlour with the serving cart.
Everything went silent, except for the sounds of hearty enjoyment as the diners smacked their lips and chewed and sipped their way through the delicious food.
"Ahhhh, that spinach in the soup must have come from Queen JoJo's spinach plot," Poopeyer reflected as he leaned back, patting his round belly; "it was toot sweet! Wish I could top it off with a sweet spinach smoke."
"You heard Zzzpyzy!" exploded Postal Man.
Poopeyer sneered, "Yep, I heard him. I heard the song and dance about not touching 'zee delicate Ruzzian veb vallz', too! What a bunch of hogwash!"
He turned around to look at the walls behind the couch, staring at the fine, interwoven web of lines, so delicate in appearance, but certainly so geometrically strong. "I mean, what's it gonna hurt to just snap it a tad?" And he did.
The others all looked at him in shock and terror.
"Ooooo, now you've gone and done it, Buddy", moaned Shadow Caster. "I'm glad I'm propped up over here...away from you...so I don't get blamed!"
Upon hearing this, Postal Man hitched to the other end of the couch, as far away from Poopeyer as he could slide.
"What are you two worried about? Nothing's gonna happen. I didn't hurt it...just thrummed it a bit. Listen. You can almost hear the vibration and...."
Suddenly, there came a scratching on the ceiling of the Parlour. Nahomi looked up from where she was sitting on the red satin tuffet, greedily spooning mac and cheeze in her own Candidan way. She froze as a vent opened in the ceiling and a thick twist of webline appeared, dropping quickly to the tuffet.
Down, down, the line came a huge figure with eight legs, alien slanted eyes gleaming from a blue and red stripped body. It settled on the red satin tuffet right beside Nahomi, and smiling in a cruel and merciless way, it said, "NOW, eet eez time to pay zee Zzzpyzy!"
"Run, Nahomi! I'll save you!" yelled Postal Man as he ran past her red satin tuffet, headed for the door.
Shadow Caster tried to kick at the Zzzpyzy, but missed and clunked to the floor.
Poopeyer picked up his pipe and blew green smoke at him, but Zzzpyzy never blinked a gleaming alien eye.
TaTa growled, but backed away, slinking out with his tail between his legs when he saw himself mirrored in the gleaming slanted eyes of Zzzpyzy.
Poopeyer helped Shadow Caster up off the floor and whispered, "Let's get outta here. Let her pick up the tab, she's probably got something to exchange in that voluminous gingham apron of hers!"
"Sounds good to me!" Shadow Caster whimpered. "We're outta here!" And they were.
Finally Nahomi broke the hypnotic gaze of Zzzpyzy and tried to jump up, but found herself stuck to the web line. "Oh My Guru! I'm stuck in the web!" she cried.
Reaching into a pocket of her voluminous gingham apron she found a pair of silver scissors. Quickly, she snipped herself free from the web line and Zzzpyzy beside her. Drawing her voluminous gingham apron around her, she jumped up from the tuffet and thoroughly terrified, she ran from the Parlour.
Out the door and down the Muddy Boot Road, her magical muddy army boots (given to her by Theosafits of the golden balls) quickly caught her up to and past her cowardly companions. Behind her she could hear the laughter coming from Zzzpyzy, "Zee hee hee, Zee har har! Zzzpyzy vill get you yet, Nahomzhki---vait and zeeeee!"
When she was far enough away, Nahomi slowed to a walk and dejectedly continued on down the Muddy Boot Road. She never looked up when the winded group behind her arrived, completely disappointed in her supposed friends.
"Uhhhh, Nahomi....don't be mad at me," Shadow Caster begged. You know I haven't got a heart. I couldn't help myself. You've got to forgive me!"
Nahomi just sniffed.
"For toot's sake, Nahomi! You know I'da smoked that Zzzpyzy if I coulda. He was wearing a Mask!"
Nahomi just harrumphed.
Postal Man edged up and took her hand. "You know I'd do anything for you, Nahomi. Except die, of course. Listen..." Brinnng, Brinnng, went his bell, only slowly and sadly now.
Nahomi just spat on the Muddy Boot Road, missing Postal Man's blue knee socks by barely half an inch.
"Uhruu? Uhruuu?" TaTa whined, rubbing against her legs.
Nahomi booted him in the butt, ever so ladylike, with her right magical muddy army boot.
Meanwhile, she lifted up her head, put on her bravest Candidan face and started skipping on down the Muddy Boot Road.
"We'll do better, Nahomi, honest! We're coming with you! We'll help you find the Wizard!" and the three linked arms and followed along behind her, TaTa skulking along beside them.
Nahomi smiled slyly. She thought they would. And they did.
"We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE,
We know if we don't find him,
We will only lose!
He's got all the secrets we want to know,
And that's why Wizard hunting we'll go....
We'll go, We'll go,
We'll go and go and gooooo!
We're off to find the Wizard,
The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE!
"The Wonderful Wizard of OOzE....
Brinnnng! Brinnnng!....
"Toot, toot, toot!"....
Clunk, clunk, clunk....
"Yip, Yip, Yip"....
(To be continued)
| | Posted by GrannyJo at 4:39 AM - | |
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