Moved up to flow with "Grandpa Is An Eagle".

So, it's Sunday, and a granny's thoughts lightly turn to dealing with the now and the hereafter. The following is from a thread I started on another forum, which may lose some/all of its contributions soon, so I determined that 'now' is a good time to save some of what I like to my blog. I do hope that enough people read this to bring about their comments on my viewpoints, and to express what they are experiencing.


LIVING IN THE LIGHT
Copyright
9/05

We've all read and talked a lot about the transition from this earthly life into another spiritual one--we sometimes refer to it as 'going into the light'.

I've been involved in some discussion the past few days, which I've come to think is about 'Living In the Light'. First a bit of background about where I am coming from on this.

I was always big into life on another plane--in my young years I bought deeply into 'heaven', 'limbo', 'purgatory' and 'hell' (is my Catholic up-bringing showing?) As I grew to a more sentient being, I started giving up the ingrained biblical and Catholic teachings, probably because I wanted to be 'shown' not 'told' what spiritualism and life hereafter might be. My family was large, and they have died, one by one, through the years, each with the promise that they would come back to 'show' what we survivors should expect. So far, their secret remains with Houdini.

Now, at 69, I find I am moving even farther away from a 'life hereafter', and more to the fact that we just shed these mortal bodies and slip back into the ALL that is neither spiritual nor physical, but just IS. Regrettably it is not a place where we will be united with those who have gone before--in any physical or mental manner. Nor will we even 'remember' anything of this life. All the more reason to suck up every precious moment we have with each other 'now'. I see more proof of that than any other explanation of 'going into the light', that has ever been presented to me, simply because anyone/thing that really knows by experiencing our ultimate end, has never breached the divide.

That is the basis for my thoughts. I know everyone does not agree, but that's OK---it is one of my ways of 'Living In The Light'.

I've written elsewhere that I am very emotionally involved with the problems and care of the growing numbers of aged in our society. It's not just because I am 69--because I have always been the glue to keep family and friends connected and aware of what is happening in our lives. I'm just that way. In the past 10 years or so, my emphasis has been on the disturbing problems that dementia, fixed incomes, depression, and just plain lonesomeness turn up between the aging and aged, and their children who are also caring for the grandchildren.

It's not new---it has always been there, but there is just more of it--and it appears to me that in a growing number of cases, our ways of handling it--our ability to cope--has taken a turn more toward setting grandma/pa out on the ice - finding relief in their deaths, rather than holding precious the time we have with the person who put up with our dirty diapers, our tantrums, our selfish whining, on our way to our transition to adulthood. Why can we not use the moments (and that is all there are) we have left to 'living in the light', for none of us know the time of our ultimate destinies?

I'm not suggesting that it is wrong to use nursing homes, or hospices on the occasions where our own health or financial circumstances prevents personal care. I'm just saying that we can always afford to give our needy ones love, dignity for the years they gave more than they received, and some dedication to the time which they so dearly seek, on their way to whatever awaits us all.

If we do not do the things we consider 'hard' for our loved ones--those things that may interfere with our daily routine--even for the short haul that we can--what can we expect when our time comes? Will we sit in a chair, letting the phone ring in a household that will never answer our call, thinking about what we 'should' have done? Will we mourn our chance of Living In The Light, while we contemplate if there IS, indeed, a Light to go to at the end of our narrowing tunnel?


There then was quite a bit of discussion about how a family's life can be ruined by the care of an elderly member, because of dementia, Alzheimers, and other factors--but mostly those dealing with mental deficiencies. The following are snips from some of my responses to those very credible discussions.

I agree with you, my friend--people can get very obnoxious in their senility. My mother was runover roughshod by her 2nd husband, and as she got older, sicker, he did everything in his power to keep her family from her. He was a horrible example of inhumanity. We found out his first wife suffered even more, because there was no one to protect her. However, I never gave up the fight to stay close to, help and love my mother. I am forever grateful that I 'Lived In The Light' with her. It was hard, but necessary for me to have that memory.

I had an aunt pass away with extended personality disorders, ending in dementia--after 50 YEARS of unhappiness, at the age of 70.

Then there was my aunt who lived with me, (sisters) with the same problems. She stayed here for 6 years before my husband and I turned up with heart problems and had to put her in a nursing home. It was a great place (Boulder City Hospital, long term care unit, for those who might have a need--I highly recommend it) and I visited her often and brought goodies for all those old folks, especially those who never had a visitor. She passed away in her sleep a year and a half ago.

In January of this year, my uncle (their brother) passed away with some blood disorder--but he too had ever increasing dementia for the previous 6 years. He leaves his wife, 85--who knows you when she sees you, but forgets you were there, or what was said 5 minutes after you are out of sight. She is worse every week, luckily my cousin is a doctor and she is still at his home.

So, there is a distinct history of experience in my lifetime with dementia. I am not anywhere near a professional in the field, I only know that I kept them happy with goodies, visits, hugs and old family stories, which they seemed to remember once they get into memory lane. So far, they have passed on from heart disease before they are totally incapacitated with dementia.

It is hard watching them disintegrate; near the end my mother thought I was HER mother, and didn't always recognize me. But I still got on the plane every month and went to PA to spend a week with her (monster wouldn't let me take her here).

You know there was a story I heard about an old fellow who was rushing through some haircut, or whatever, and said he had to go see his wife. When asked if they were going out, he said, no--that he visited her every day for lunch in the nursing home, she had Alzheimers. He further said that she was in the final stages and didn't know anybody.

"Then why do you go, if she can't remember you?" he was asked.

"Ahhh, but 'I' remember HER," he replied.

Brings tears to my eyes every time I remember that story.

Quotes:
"To live life distraught with worry, sleepless, terrified, because you are it, the main and possibly only caregiver in a relative's life?"

"I fully expect to go to a home."

my words

It is not the plan to be the main and only caregiver in anyone's life to the point of being worried sick with the burden. We live in times where there is excellent help both to your home or places of professional care which can ease the way somewhat. They can't get rid of all the sorrow of seeing your loved one in such dire straits, but they can help with the physical burden, allowing you to give more of your energies to the emotional, supportive work.

Living in the Light is about being together, touching; communicating; saying all the things that need to be said, doing all the loving that needs to be given, and washing away all the bad feelings of the past, 'before' we are separated forever by the big divide. That to me, would make it easier for the loved one to 'let go', and a greater comfort for the partner In The Light, so that there would be no sleepless nights of "I wish".

It is more about partnering through the process, rather than the actual physical care. It is about being strong enough to stay the course through moments and sights that are emotionally and physically upsetting to you--never taking the easier way and just staying away from those times. I really don't think there is a lesson to be learned by just 'walking away' when you cannot do anything physically, or emotionally. We gain strength and courage by sticking in there, even though it hurts. Of course, IMO.

I agree with some of you in this, though-- I don't ever want to be seen as a 'burden' to my family. However, I also do not want to be tucked away into some home, just because I am older. Not that I would mind a home--I've already told them just to make sure I have a computer, plenty of books, and lots of playing cards, since my eyes are not good enough for needlework anymore. And I darn well better see one of them walking through the door with my Sunday Pasta Dish at least every week! lol

However, my real plan, with any luck, will be to remain and die in my home. With my family history, it will probably be the ticker that stops, and after a certain age (210) heheheh, I don't want any tubes and drugs getting in the way of my peaceful exit -stage right.

I sure would like a few moments time for us all to be together, though--just one more time, and then the kiss goodbye. Lights Out.


Life is a ball.....
Dance or be a wallflower!